Quotent Quotables

9/11/2010

2010-09-11T10:53:00.002-04:00

Melissa: I have to work in the box office with Deb. Pray for me...

Jono: Oh God!

Melissa: I know. I'm TERRIFIED!

Jono: Don't be. Just snuggle with her and she purrs like a kitten. She likes it when you blow in her ear.

Melissa: I don't know if I could reach her...but I'll try.

Jono: Superman dat ho!

Melissa: BAHAHAHA! I am drunk and can't even handle that statement.

Jono: Deb. Naked With oil. And dripping wax...

Melissa: Nooooo! Stop it! I am crying!

Jono: I did Deb in the butt. Nomnomnom!

6/27/2010

2010-06-27T19:47:00.003-04:00

[During Emily & Mac's wedding]
Kimberly: I think they're going to exchange vows now.
[Piano begins playing softly]
Jono: OH MY GOD!
Kimberly: What?
Jono: This is the song from The Silence of the Lambs, when Hannibal is eating that guy's face off!!!

Jono: I wish you were a boy.
Elise: .......................

The Mary Edition

2010-06-11T20:21:00.005-04:00

[Elementary-age theatre class at an arts camp]
Jono: Hi! I would like to go around the circle and have everyone say their names and a really FUN fact about themselves. For starters, I'm Jono and I am allergic to pineapples!
Mary: I'm Mary and when my mom is mad at me and makes me go to time-out, I like to lick my armpits!
Class: Ewwwwwww!
Jono: ...Mary, honey, that something we should probably keep to ourselves.
Mary: ...but it tastes good!
Jono: ...that's gross...
Mary: Look!
[Mary proceeds to roll up her sleeve and lick her armpit]

Mary: I want to marry my dog!
Jono: Why?
Mary: Because it's the only thing that doesn't yell at me.

Mary: Mr. Jono! You have Disney Villain eyebrows!
Jono: What does that even mean, Mary?
Mary: If I had a sled, I could slide down your eyebrows because they're like a steep mountain!

Mary: Huggie!
Elise: Okay, give me a hug, Mary!
Mary: Yay!
[Mary hugs Elise]
Mary: Kiss?
Elise: No kisses, but you can blow me a kiss.
Mary: I want to kiss your boobie.
Elise: ............how about you give me a hug again...
Mary: Okay.
[Elise leans down for a hug, but Mary kisses Elise's boobie]
[Then she kisses it again]
[Then she kisses it for a third time]

Mary: I want to be a fireman!
Jono: Ooooh! Firemen are cool!
Mary: I want to be a fireman!
Jono: Yay!
Mary: Can I be a fireman in the play?
Jono: Maybe, Mary. We'll see.
Mary: I want to be a fireman!
Jono: Okay, Mary. I'll keep that in mind.
Mary: Can I be a fireman?
Jono: I think so, but if you ask me that again I'll say no.
[silence]
Mary: I want to be a anthropologist instead.
Jono: I thought you wanted to be a fireman...
Mary: No. I want to play with puppies and kitties.
[awkward silence]
Jono: Honey, you don't want to be a anthropologist. That's like the opposite of what you want to do.
Mary: But I want to play with puppies and kitties!
Jono: Mary, anthropologists don't play with puppies and kitties, they play with humans. They study behavior and everything that makes us who we are. Their job is to always be studying and learning!
[awkward silence]
Mary: I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

Mary: Ms. Dotson, I had a dream last night! I was dreaming that I was licking my leg because it was a lollipop. When I woke up, I really WAS licking my leg!
Elise: Ohhh! You're a silly goose.
Mary: It tasted GOOD!

Jono: For this exercise, I want you to show me, with your bodies, what a cow looks like...
[The children silently walk around like cows. Mary stands up and pulls on two imaginary protruding body parts]
Jono: MARY! What are you doing?!
Mary: It's my udders!

Jono For today's exercise, I want you to show me, with your bodies, what the color blue looks like...
[The children show things like OCEAN, SKY, SADNESS, etc. with their bodies]
Jono: Good! Now show me what the color yellow looks like, when personified...
[The children show things like SUN and HEAT. Mary squats.]
Jono: MARY! What are you doing now?!
Mary: I'm peeing!!!
[Mary proceeds to make a "pssssss" sound while squatting.]

5/21/2010

2010-05-21T14:51:00.002-04:00

Jono: Yay dance callbacks!
Lena: Eh, dancing...
Jono: You should wear tap shoes the entire time!
Lena: Yes, that it a really good idea! But just tap shoes...no clothes
Jono: YES. You'll soooo get the lead in The Full Monty.
Lena: ...because of my penis!!!

Jono: Will you be my "date" to Katie and Patrick's wedding?
Kimberly: For the sake of all of our dead baby children, I think it would only be appropriate.
Jono: Yay! You better catch that bouquet!
Kimberly: Those bitches better MOVE!!!

5/18/2010

2010-05-18T01:25:00.001-04:00

Jono: If anything, you could ask your parents for some extra cash. Surely, you could repay them over the summer.
Zack: Yeah. I hate asking them for money though. They are fixing my car...
Jono: You could buy a gun and take money from them at gunpoint!
Zack: Yes! But, see, I actually know where they hide their money. So, it might be easier to just steal it from them...
Jono: Awwwww!
Zack: WHAT?! You think holding my parents at gunpoint is BETTER?!!!

Jono: That's a lot of expenses. Ewww.
Mikey: Unless someone wants to be my suga mama! But then I would feel too guilty...
Jono: Awww.
Mikey: ...for a little bit.
Jono: Beh heh!
Mikey: BUT then...I'd repay in sexy time! Which is fair, right?
Jono: Be the typical "dude". After she pays for everything, ignore her and block her. Bahaha!
Mikey: Awww!
Jono: But yes, sexy time is plenty.
Mikey: Bahaha! I'm glad you agree.
Jono: Sex is the perfect bargaining chip. If she wants more, buy her a gourmet meal...via food stamps. So, technically, you pay for nothing...
Mikey: WIN!
Jono: ...but perhaps a condom.
Mikey: Nah, she'll buy that too.
Jono: BAHAHA!!!
Mikey: If she wants it bad enough...
Jono: Pull out a sandwich bag to use. Then, she'll HAVE to buy a condom for the sake of not wanting to use a sandwich bag.
Mikey: Or even better: a Lay's potato chip bag or a 3 Musketeers wrapper!
Jono: YES!
Mikey: Or just say we'll have to use a pine cone.

4/9/2010

2010-04-09T00:43:00.000-04:00

[text message conversation]
Summer: Drunk rollerblding wreeeeee
Jono: Boobies?
Summer: I have tjem
Jono: You have ten boobies?
Summer: Yea
Jono: You're like a cow with udders!
Summer: MoO?
Jono: Poot.
Summer: Queef
Summer: QUEEF
Jono: Did you just queef yourself? I'm proud of you.
Summer: maybe :(
Jono: It's okay. You're not alone. Every girl does it.
Summer: Tatas
Jono: Ew. Those are gross.
Summer: Potatoes?
Jono: Yummy. Potato boobs...?
Summer: Pooo
Summer: o
Summer: p
Jono: WHAT?! You're not making any sense! Are you doing it? In the booty?
Summer: There's chips un my pocket
Jono: Eat them! Maybe they're Baked Lays!

Jana: Nothing gets me all fired up than some good gaseous stench.

Andrew: When we have kids, let's model them after LOST characters.
Jono: YES! I'll have Sun and Jin.
Andrew: I'll have Jack, Sawyer, Kate, and Locke.
Jono: I'm going to force Sun to always be in the garden and I'll take Jin fishing with me every weekend.
Andrew: I'll yell at Kate and make her run on a treadmill every minute of the day. I'll mold Jack to be a doctor and I'll throw little Locke out of a building window.
Jono: Awww. But what if he's not paralyzed by the fall?
Andrew: Then I'll tell him to get back up here and we'll do it again. Although, I think eight stories is a bit high for a 6 year old. Maybe I'll just push him out of a three story window.
Jono: Yay! We can be neighbors and, just like the show, when Jack comes over to play with Sun, she can fire back, "LEAVE ME ALONE. I DON'T CARE!"
Andrew: OH! I'll also raise Hurley. I'll make him continuously eat and eat. "Daddy, I'm not hungry anymore." "I don't care! You're not fat enough!"

4/4/2010

2010-04-04T01:21:00.000-04:00

Jono: Are you going to church tomorrow for Easter Sunday?
Elise: I don't know...
[10 minutes later]
Jono: Stay up all night with me!
Elise: No!
Jono: Are you waking up early to go to church?
Elise: I don't know. Why do you want me to go to church so bad?
Jono: ...cause you still have a chance to get to heaven.

Elise: When will you update your Quotent Quotables?
Jono: I don't know. Nothing funny is happening in my life right now. My life is so tragic...
Elise: But your readers depend on your Quotent Quotables to survive. They make us laugh.
Jono: But there's no laughter in my life...
Elise: Well, we depend on your crappy life to make us laugh!!!

Caldwell: What's up!
Jono: Hey man! Nothing much. How are you?
Caldwell: Feet.
Jono: WHAT?!
Caldwell: Sorry. That was the first thing that came to mind.

3/14/2010

2010-03-14T23:48:00.000-04:00

Jono: You know what my favorite thing to do is, after you go to sleep?
Jana: ....................
Elise: Ummm.....do I want to know?
Jono: Well, I wait until you go to bed...
Jana: AHHHH!!!
Jono: ...and I turn off all the lights...
Elise: Oh my God.
Jono: ...and I stand outside your bedroom door...
Elise: AHHHH!!!
Jono: ...and I meow like a cat.
Elise & Jana: .....................................?

3/11/2010

2010-03-11T17:07:00.000-05:00

Jono: Oh herro!
Summer: Why herro dere!
Jono: How are you? I'm stuck in traffic.
Summer: I'm on lunch...eating like a fat guh.
Jono: Well don't get fat. Then I'd have to de-friend you. Bahahaha!
Summer: Well, then, I'd have to eat you.
Jono: I'm Asian. You'd only get hungry again in an hour!
Summer: But I love Mongolian beef. And I'd have to go after your sister next!
Jono: Yummy. You'll like her. I've tasted her many times!!! Heh.
Summer: I bet she's spicy!
Jono: If by spicy, you mean good in bed, then yes.
[awkward silence]
Jono: ...I'm joking, by the way. I've never jumped my sister's bones.
Summer: You should. You're not blood related.
Jono: Oh my God! We're like Boone and Shannon.
Summer: Yes! You should buy her an inhaler for her birthday.
Jono: YAY! I'll let you know when she's pregnant. You can help deliver the baby!!!

Jono: Oh herro!
Andrew: ???
Jono: Why you no understand me? I speak Engrish!!!
Andrew: Awww...you're Asian!
Jono: Oh herro!
Andrew: You crazy Asian, you!
[awkward silence]
Jono: YOU RACIST!

3/6/2010

2010-03-06T23:50:00.000-05:00

Lena: Hi! I saw that I missed your call, but I haven't checked my voicemail yet. Am I crazy or did you leave a really long voicemail?
Jono: I DID! Any time I catch your voicemail, I'm going to read a passage from Darkly Dreaming Dexter. Each voicemail will pick up where I left off, so they'll each be like 4 minute audio books!
Lena: Is that what the tv show Dexter is based off of?
Jono: Yep.
Lena: AHHHH! I wanted to read that! I'll NEVER answer your calls!!!
Jono: HEY!

Jono: I think moving into an apartment has made me sillier.
Karissa: ...oh my God. What?! You are already crazy. Does that mean you're insane now?!

Jono: Did I ever tell you the pink golf ball joke?
Elise: No, I don't think so...
Jono: Well...there is this father. His son is about to turn 2 years old-...
Elise: OH GOD! STOP! YOU HAVE! YOU HAVE!

2/21/2010

2010-02-21T20:40:00.000-05:00

Jono: Mom saw the tattoo I've been hiding from her for four years.
Allison: Oh my God. What did she say?!
Jono: Since it was a music note, she was like, "...oh....cool!"
Allison: WHAT?! That's not fair. When I told them I wanted to get a stanza from a T.S. Elliott poem, they said they would never speak to me again!
Jono: Mom was then like, "I made salmon for dinner!" We were all happy!
Allison: All by myselfff...

2/16/2010

2010-02-16T18:06:00.000-05:00

Operator: 911. What's your emergency?
Diany: Hi. We're on I-75 north, near Macon, and there's a car in front of us that's driving maliciously.
Operator: What are they doing?
Diany: They won't allow us to pass them and when we do, they tailgate us and flash their high beams. It's very dangerous.
Jono: We saw smoke coming from their car windows. I think they might be high.
Diany: They're driving a Ford Pilot.
Operator: Do you see the license plate numbers?
Jono: Yes. It's **** ***!
Diany: They looked like terrorists!
Operator: Well send out a patrol officer and if they can find them, they'll fix this situation.
Jono: Are we absolutely certain that Saddam Hussein is dead?
Diany: I think I saw blueprints for the World Trade Center in their backseat!
Operator: Thank you for calling, we'll send out an officer.
Diany & Jono: HELP US!!!!!!!!!

2/8/2010

2010-02-08T21:34:00.000-05:00

Jono: Boo babies!
Zack: Hey, you're the one who thought they came out a woman's butt!
Dylan: ...wait, WHAT?!
*awkward silence*
Jono: ZACKARY!

Jono: I miss Christmas.
Kimberly: I want to know where it is.
Jono: ...up my poopshoot.
Kimberly: Oh NO! It's lost forever!
Jono: Nooo! I have hourly bowel movements. It'll be back in about 30 minutes. Get ready for SANTA!
Kimberly: SANTAAAAAA!
Jono: Santa farts. He's just as human as us. I think God farts too. Except I think his farts cause tsunamis.
Kimberly: I think tsunamis are when God farts on the toilet; earthquakes are his moving farts.
Jono: HAITI! We've found our answer!!!

1/27/2010

2010-01-27T10:49:00.000-05:00

Summer: Would you rather- fart in front of a whole group of people on stage (and they know its you) OR have the biggest, fattest black woman fart ON you?
Jono: Probably choice 2.
Summer: BAHAHAHAHAHA!
Jono: I like to laugh at other people farting. If i did it, on stage specifically, that's just embarrassing.
Summer: I guess you'd be scarred either way...
Jono: True. And I don't like fat black women. Would YOU rather- poop your pants hardcore on stage, in a theatre in the round scenario OR eat a cockroach the size of a basketball?
Summer: AHHHH!
Jono: And the cockroach is still alive.
Summer: OMG! Don't do this to me!!!! Okay, are these people that I'm pooping in front of...are they my friends?
Jono: Your friends and a bunch of celebrities...
Summer: AHHHH!!! Like diarrhea or just like...a turd?
Jono: It's a mess...like it's hardcore splattery
Summer: Oh no!
Jono: ...and you're wearing white
Summer: BAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Jono: But for option 2, the cockroach is alive when you eat it!
Summer: Can I kill it myself then eat it?
Jono: Nope. Your first bites are with it being alive and trying to crawl away.
Summer: Am I allowed to throw up the roach when I'm finished eating it?
Jono: Nope. You have to keep it down. BUT you may wash your mouth out with water afterwords.
Summer: So if I throw up from being so grossed out...I have to eat my vomit?!
Jono: Half of the vomit. Not the entire thing.
Summer: Just the vomit with roach pieces in it?
Jono: All of it because it would probably be mixed together.
Summer: UGGHHH!!!!! Fine, I'll shit my pants.
Jono: Are you sure? At this certain performance, the Miranda Sings-girl is there and is planning to propose to you afterwords, while you're still on stage. That is, if nothing goes wrong
Summer: Oh NO, she's there?!
Jono: Yep!
Summer: Wait! So she won't propose to me if I shit myself?!
Jono: Probably not. Oh! And the cockroach is infested with AIDS.
Summer: AIDS or the HIV virus? Like...will I live?
Jono: There is a 50/50 chance that you'll live.
[awkward silence]
Summer: I think I'll just shit my pants and be lonely and single for the rest of my life. :o(

Summer: Wait, so what would you do?! But instead, it would be a moth.
Jono: A moth the size of a basketball and alive?
Summer: Yup. Not infected with aids though
Jono: I'll shit myself. I'll just say it was my character in the play. I'd risk getting fired for changing my character to be mentally retarded for that performance.

1/23/2010

2010-01-23T00:00:00.000-05:00

Elise: Be proud of me, I just deleted Farmville, Fishville and Cafe World. I was watching Dr. Phil the other day and there was this woman on there that was OBSESSED with FarmVille. She was neglecting her kids and always on tending to her crops... Dr. Phil basically made me feel like a loser, so I just deleted all of it.

1/12/2010

2010-01-12T18:18:00.000-05:00

All of these quotes are pulled from the official "I Hate Moths" group on Facebook. These are real stories, friends. These are truly brave souls.

Jared: Butterflies are like...tramped up whore moths. Under all that makeup, they're still vile little shits.

Jemima: I don't mind butterflies, they don't seem to take kamikaze dives at my head! OMG! That happened only yesterday. Stupid moth came dive bombing towards me...why do they do it?! :(

Erin: Alan threw a dead moth at me yesterday. :(

Jade: One flew down my shirt...that moth ain't no more...

Matt: Every time I see one, I die a little on the inside from fright. =[

Randy: I hate butterflies, also. I biked through a flock of them today. FREAKIN SCARY!!!

Andriy: Can someone remove the picture of the moth from this page, it actually makes me feel sick!

Cayleigh: OMG! I was in the bath one night and I was just about to get out and I had drained all the water and stuff when all of a sudden this brood of moths flapped in through the window and started divebombing me. I was too terrified to get out of the bath so I had to hide under a towel, crying and screaming. Then to top it all off, one landed on me and started crawling up my back. God knows where its filthy little hooves had been, probably gave me some kind of moth related disease, scabby little bastard. Just thinking of it makes me gag, it was a dark day indeed :(

Adam: Cant have my lights on and windows open at night to stay cool without the flappy little bastards attacking me!!! I FUCKING HATE MOTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1/10/2010

2010-01-10T00:22:00.000-05:00

Allison: What are you doing tonight?
Jono: Yo mama.
Allison: Gross! You have fun with that. But for serious, what are you doing?
Jono: Hanging out with Elise. We're discussing finances about our apartment.
Allison: Oh. Well, you guys suck. I hope you get a mold problem.
[awkward silence]
Allison: I was just joking.
Jono: I hope your poohnanny gets a mold problem.
Allison: Too late.

1/5/2010

2010-01-05T23:09:00.000-05:00

[please note that I have known this chick for about a week]
Emma: I live in Griffin and I don't drive.
Jono: Griffin? Wow.
Emma: Yeah, it's the town where everyone knows everyone. If you tell someone a secret, everyone will find out.
Jono: Boo.
Emma: Like...everyone thinks I'm a whore. But I'm not.
Jono: Really?
Emma: Yeah, that rumor's been going around since I was eleven.
Jono: Uh huh.
Emma: It's because I was molested when I was seven.
Jono: ......................................
Emma: Yeah, so everyone just assumes that I sleep with everyone.
Jono: How...? I'm...uhh...sorry.
Emma: It's okay. I'm over it now. It's history.
[REALLY awkward silence]
Jono: ......BYEEE!!!

Jono: Oh my God. This chick is annoying the PISS out of me!
Elise: I can tell. I'm probably leaving soon.
Jono: Me too! She's driving me nuts!
Elise: She needs friends, Jono. She was molested. Maybe you should molest her and then she'll go away.

Mom: Jonathan, your Aunt Mildred died today.
Jono: Who?
Mom: Aunt Mildred.
Jono: ...WHO? I don't know who that is.
Mom: She gave you her car last year.
Jono: OHHHH!
[awkward silence]
Jono: BYEEEE Mildred!
Mom: .....................

1/4/2010

2010-01-04T21:50:00.000-05:00

[while watching previews to a movie]
Jono: Wow! I want to see that!
Chris: Yeah, looks pretty good.
Jono: Samuel L. Jackson is the MAN!
Chris: That was Denzel Washington.
Jono: ...oh...
[awkward silence]
Jono: Same thing.

12/29/2009

2009-12-29T12:05:00.000-05:00

[text message conversation]
Samantha: Hey
Jana on Jono's phone: BOOBIES!
Samantha: Bahahaha! What are you doing?
Jana on Jono's phone: Drawing nude photos of myself.
Samantha: That's not weird at all...
Jana on Jono's phone: Nope. I'm hot.
Samantha: Haha! You're crazy!
Jana on Jono's phone: You're drunk!
Samantha: You are!
Jana on Jono's phone: This is actually Jana. Surprise!
Samantha: Haha! I knew something was up! Jono doesn't usually mention boobies til the 3rd or 4th text!

[drunken banter]
Emily: Oh! Let's dance with those people!
Jono: Ewww! No! Not THEIR kind!
Emily: [gasps] Do you not like black people?
Jono: No, I do! Sometimes, I just want to be a wannabe racist.

Blockbuster Guy: You actually just won 12 free movie rentals.
Jono: REALLY?! Can I rent them all now?
Blockbuster Guy: I would suggest that you do, because this offer expires on December 31st.
[30 minutes later]
Jono: Do you have any more of 500 Days of Summer or Something, Something, Something, Dark Side?
Another Customer: Yeah, I was looking for 500 Days of Summer too.
Blockbuster Guy: We have one copy left. Would you like this to be a part of your 12 rentals?
Jono: Sure.
Another Customer: Are you sure you don't have any more back there?
Blockbuster Guy: Nope, sorry, that's our only one...
[awkward silence]
Jono: [to other customer] Maaan, with all these movies, I hope I have time to actually watch this.

Jono: So, with these 12 rentals, can I rent 12 movies of the same movie?
Blockbuster Guy: ...sure, I guess. Why would you want to do that?
Jono: I noticed that you only have 12 copies of Taking Woodstock on the shelf...
Blockbuster Guy: ..............................
Jono: I'm not "that guy", but what if I was?!
Blockbuster Guy: Then we would reserve the right to tell customers that "some Asian ass rented ALL of our copies."

12/14/2009

2009-12-14T04:05:00.000-05:00

Karissa: We're going to be superheroes.
Leslie: Really?
Jono: Yes. We're going to quit our jobs and become the vigilante crime-stoppers of Atlanta. We'll start with Clayton County.
Leslie: Whoa!
Jono: But you know how Batman and Spiderman just tie up their enemies and leave them for the police?
Leslie: Yeah.
Jono: Well, we won't do that. We'll release them back into society. But before we let them go, we'll inject them with the HIV virus.
Leslie: .........................
Jono: That will teach them to get their act together, knowing that their life is counting down...
Leslie: But what if they take the other approach and choose a destructive path?
Jono: What do you mean?
Leslie: Like...if they knew they were going to die, they could choose to make other people's lives miserable too.
Jono: Oh yeah. If that were the case, we'd shoot them up with HIV and then amputate both of their legs. They'd be forced to get their lives together or just kill themselves.

12/13/2009

2009-12-13T12:25:00.000-05:00

Samantha: Did you know Brenda got her baby?
Jono: WHAT?! That's so exciting! Awww, yay Brenda!
Samantha: I know. She has pictures up in her office.
Jono: She's been wanting to adopt her baby from Japan for like 5 years! I'm so glad it happened!
Samantha: Yeah. It's a girl.
Jono: Oh my Gahhhh! A baby girl?!!!
Samantha: But she adopted it from Africa.
Jono: ...............what?
Samantha: Yeah, from Kenya actually. I think something fell through with the Japan one.
Jono: ...............umm....really? .....well, good....for her...yeah, yay.
Samantha: JUST KIDDING! Her baby is Japanese!
Jono: WHAT?! Oh thank God!

Jono: What do you want for Christmas because I'm obviously getting everything from Bath & Body Works.
Allison: I'll have anything but bubble baths!
Jono: What? Why? I love their bubble baths.
Allison: Yeah, because you're a guy. But there's some sort of chemical or something in bubble bath solutions that...
Jono: ...yeah...
Allison: ...rot out women's vaginas.
Jono: WHAT?!

[After telling Elise the above conversation]
Elise: WHAT?! How does she know that?
Jono: I don't know. I think she read it somewhere...
Elise: But what about guys?
Jono: What about them?
Elise: They have...another hole...too...
Jono: Yeah, but that's a butt! Everyone has those.
Elise: Noooo! They have ANOTHER hole!
Jono: Oh yeah! Well, it might be a matter of what goes in and what comes out. For guys, things only go out through that place. For girls, well...everything goes in...

Jono: I'm at New Moon. I want to die.
Zack: Ew, I'm sorry. At least you'll see some jailbait werewolves.

12/4/2009

2009-12-04T01:15:00.000-05:00

Jono: Oh God!
Jana: What?!
Jono: I'm about to ask a really stupid question...
Jana: Okay...?
Jono: My mind went blank...what is Obama's first name?
Jana: Barack.
Jono: THAT'S RIGHT! I knew it was something Pakistani and September eleventhy!

Jono: I think...
Michael: .....
Jono: ...I'm going to get rid of FarmVille tomorrow.
Michael: Do it!
Jono: I feel like I'm losing a child.
Michael: Meh.
Jono: I just need to see my last batch of crops grow...
Michael: ???
Jono: I need to know that they have a future.

12/3/2009

2009-12-03T14:42:00.000-05:00

[Facebook chat with Lena]
Jono: Happy birthday to you!
Jono: Happy birthday to you!
Jono: Happy birthday, dear Lena...
Jono: ( . )( . )
Lena: BOOBIES!!!
Jono: ...and many more!!!

12/1/2009

2009-12-02T20:59:00.000-05:00

[Watching So You Think You Can Dance]
Announcer: One of you gentlemen will be going home. Who will it be?
Jono: I bet it's going to be the guy in the blue.
Elise: Yeah, he's a choad!
Jono: WHAT?! What is that?
Elise: Ummm...I don't know. I just picked that up somewhere.
Jono: ???
Elise: Look it up on Google.
[Jono types choad into Urban Dictionary]
Definition: Usually penis, penis wider than it is long, or the area between the penis and anus.

12/1/2009

2009-12-01T23:05:00.000-05:00

Tweet from Adam Rucker: Crazy that when typing the word "is" into Google, the first suggestion that pops up is: "is Lady Gaga a man?"

Angela: I would like to make a toast...
Evelyn: You're drunk!
Angela: I know! But I want to toast. Even though I'm on my per-...
[awkward silence]
Angela: Oh! Jono, I don't want to say it!
Jono: I don't care. I know what you were about to say...
Angela: Okay! Even though I am on my period and I've lost a lot of blood today...
Jono: ........................
Angela: ...this beer will help my blood keep circulating! CHEERS!
[awkward silence. no one moves.]
Angela: Damnit!

Jono: Hey!
Emily: Hey! How are you?
Jono: I'm great. But you make me...
Emily: .......
Jono: You make me want to LA LA!!!

11/29/2009

2009-11-29T20:27:00.000-05:00

Ashley: Are you on facebook?
Jono: I am!
Ashley: We should be pals! We'll be the best of buddies!
Jono: Okay! Yay! You'll be my first best buddy!
Ashley: Mine too!
Jono: Because I have no friends!
Ashley: Me either!
Jono: So when I friend you on facebook, pay no attention to the 1,084 other friends I have.
Ashley: Okay!...wait, what?!

Jono: I can't believe you, me, and Lena will be together for New Years!
Michael: It'll be amazing! Let's do something absolutely wild, crazy, and potentially something that we might regret.
Jono: Hell yeah! No threesomes though. I love you and Lena, but...
Michael: Alright. But you'll understand if I kick you out of the room, right?
Jono: NO! If there's ANY sex at all, I'm getting in on some of the action. Sucks for you, bro.
Michael: Alrighty.
Jono: Yup.
Michael: The most awkward threesome EVER!
Jono: Oh my God! I think we would all be crying.

Jono: After eight months, we're FINALLY drinking together again.
Michael: Hell yeah we are.
Jono: Some things never change.
Michael: Thank God! I miss this! What are you drinking?
Jono: JD and coke!
Michael: Yum!
Jono: Well...JD and diet coke.
Michael: There's nothing wrong with...wait, diet coke?
Jono: It's all I got. I know...it tastes like ass.
[awkward silence]
Jono: Not that I know what ass tastes like...
Michael: Sure.
Jono: ...oh wait. I do...
Michael: ...I don't either...
Jono: ...I mean, I don't eitherrr...
Michael: ?????
[awkward silence]
Jono: Beh heh!

Jono: How much longer are you staying in Lexington?
Michael: Til May. I'm here for SETC.
Jono: What does that mean?
Michael: I'll be in town for the conference.
Jono: OH! For a second, I thought you meant that you were representing your company at SETC. I was like...so if I were to audition, would I be auditioning for you? Awesome!
Michael: I would totally give you a callback!
Jono: Thanks! I'd be that guy that walks on stage and announces, "Jono Davis. Number 81. HI MIKEY!..."
Michael: And I'd be like, "Dude, What the fuck's goin' on? Drinks later?"
Jono: Then I'd say, "How about now?! Fuck you other companies! Anyone who wants to join, the more the merrier!"
Michael: Um, yes!
Jono: Then casting folks would hire us because we're balsy!
Michael: Everyone would leave too, because no one wants to sit through that.
Jono: True.
Michael: And they'd give us job offers over drinks. Between jaggerbombs.
Jono: Yep. And if not, I'd blow them in the bathroom.

Andrew: I have 12 hours of Christmas music on my iPod!!!
Jono: Oh my God! That's amazing! That's like 3 days worth of music!

[Facebook chat conversation]
Jono: NOM NOM NOM!
Melissa: Hey Jono!
Jono: I just ate you.
Melissa: Oh.
[awkward silence]
Melissa: Well fuck!
Jono: You're in my tummy now.
Melissa: Oh my! Make sure to eat some more friends so I don't get lonely.

11/27/2009

2009-11-27T19:25:00.000-05:00

Mom: Did Allison say why she broke up with Erik?
Jono: Not really. Just ask her, I'm sure she'll tell you. I think she said something about him not keeping up his share of responsibilities around the house and some other stuff too.
Mom: What responsibilities?
Jono: She was always the cooking meals, cleaning, keeping things straight, all that stuff.
Mom: Well, I've got some news for her...she's a woman. As irritating as that is, sometimes it is HER responsibility, no questions asked.
[Few days later]
Allison: Oh God. What has mom been saying about me and Erik?
Jono: She said that, as frustrating as it is, cleaning and cooking is sometimes your responsibility because your a woman.
Allison: WHAT?!!!

Allison: Mom was tipsy and cock-blocked me tonight!

[On Black Friday, at Bath & Body Works, we had a potluck in the backroom to keep spirits up. Everyone had to bring something.]
Judie: Look, I made a homemade lasagna.
Jono: I just had that. It's so good!
Ta'neisha: I baked cookies.
Ashlee: I got a ton of breadsticks from Olive Garden.
Lynn: I made a really great casserole. It took me all night.
Pam: I brought sausage balls and brownies. I woke up at 3 this morning to cook it all.
Jono: I made some mini-cakes.
Lynn: Really? Where are they?
Jono: Well, I individually wrapped them in cellophane. See? They look like little trees! It took me all night, as well.
[awkward silence]
Pam: ...Jonathan...aren't those Little Debbie Christmas Tree Cakes?
Jono: ...yeahhh...I only had three bucks in my wallet. This was all I could afford.

Special Thanksgiving Post

2009-11-26T14:33:00.000-05:00

[Granddaddy hands Allison a blanket]
Granddaddy: Allison, I have an early birthday present for you.
Allison: What is it?
Granddaddy: It's a Navajo blanket.
Allison: ...oh!
Granddaddy: It's from the Indians!
Allison: ...from...the Indians?
Granddaddy: Yes. We're subscribed to their newsletters and we got a blanket for Thanksgiving, this year. Those Indians are nice fellas.

Dad: What is this?
Allison: It's hummus. I made it!
Dad: It looks like baby food.
Allison: WHAT?! Your face looks like baby food!

[Looking at baby pictures]
Allison: Aww! Look at me! I was so cute.
Jono: You look like you have a turd on your face.
Allison: That's my NOSE!

Allison: I love Black Friday.
Aisha: Black what?
Allison: This Friday is Black Friday.
Aisha: That's racist! Do they call it Black Friday because they think black people shop all the time?! That's so racist!

[Jono takes a close up picture of Hello Kitty]
Allison: What the fuck is that?!
Jono: Hello Kitty!
Allison: WHAT?! I thought it was a butthole!

This isn't a quote, it's just fucking hysterical.

11/24/2009

2009-11-24T04:10:00.000-05:00

[Jono walks into Allison's house]
Jono: Oh my God! Where's your couch? And where's your television?
Allison: Erik took them when we broke up. They were his.
Jono: Oh. That sucks.
Allison: I'm so depressed...
Jono: I'm sorry. He was a cool guy.
Allison: No. I'm sad that I don't have a TV! I can't watch Dexter!
Jono: Oh.
[awkward silence]
Allison: Jonathan, did I make a mistake? Should I have stayed with him?
Jono: I don't know, Allison...
Allison: Maybe I should have. Then I could watch TV. I don't really care about him, but was it a mistake to break up with him?
Jono: If you still don't have a TV by LOST's premiere, in February, then yes.

Elise: I just laughed so hard, I farted!

[Bath & Body Works banter]
Customer: Do you have the candle "Fresh Balsam"?
Jono: Yes, ma'am, we do. It's right here, by the sink.
Customer: Thank you so much. I just love this scent!
Customer's child: Could I also say it like "Fresh Ball Sam"?
Jono: You caaaan........wouldn't be riiight.

[A young customer walks by the lip gloss table]
Jono: Ma'am, would you like "the Bath and Body Works lip gloss experience"?
Customer: Sure!
Jono: Try this, first. This is an exfoliator. Just dab it on your lips. It's going to feel like sand.
Customer: Okay. This feels weird...
Jono: Yes, it should. This gets rid of the dead skin cells and whatchamahootits on your lips.
[Jono hands her a kleenex to wipe off]
Jono: Now that your lips are completely free of that mess, when you apply your lip gloss, your lips will feel a sensation because there's nothing blocking the actual gloss from your lips.
Customer: Wow! This actually...feels amazing.
Jono: See? Now, you've just tried on the Spiced Cider gloss. Don't wipe that off. Just go with me on this one. Add the Pumpkin Pie gloss on top of that.
Customer: Oh my God. Yum! I'm going to get this for my co-workers.
Jono: Well, I'm glad I could be of help.
Customer: So are you into cosmetics?
Jono: Not really. To be honest, I just made all that stuff up.
Customer: Really?! You sold me.
Jono: Well, thank you. Here's another kleenex. You...kinda look like a clown.

11/23/2009

2009-11-23T04:00:00.000-05:00

[The Bath & Body Works manager hands all of the employees a card that says: "Your 3-step routine for Twilight Woods. Please fill in the blanks with your answers. Your answers should equal the perfect combination for using Twilight Woods."]

Jono's answers:

Your 3-step routine for Twilight Woods.
Please fill in the blanks with your answers.
1. Sleep
2. Sex
3. Shower
This equals a perfect combination for using Twilight Woods.

Manager: Okay. Here are the correct answers:

Your 3-step routine for Twilight Woods.
Please fill in the blanks with your answers.
1. Twilight Woods Shower Gel
2. Twilight Woods Body Lotion
3. Twilight Woods Body Spray
This equals a perfect combination for using Twilight Woods.

Jono: Oops.
Manager: Okay, now, every pass your cards forward. We're going to collect them.
Jono: ...what?
Manager: We're going to tape them to a big sign that we're going to put up in the store.
Jono: ...what?!
Manager: This was just a fun, little game that shows that our employees know what they're talking about.

[This sign is currently on display at Bath & Body Works]

11/22/2009

2009-11-22T01:56:00.000-05:00

Kimberly: My life is considerably better when you update your quotes blog on a daily basis.
Jono: Would you believe me if I told you that my life has been fairly humorless for the past few months? I feel like I'm slowly becoming a combination of the Grinch, Scrooge, and Clay Aiken.

Jono: Rebecca...I miss you dearly. It's sad but I think I've seen Michael Hopewell more often than I've seen you this year! I love you both, but what gives. I need to visit more.
Rebecca McGraw: Ya nevva call ya nevva write...wah wah...call the wahmbulance

[Jono walks in from outside]
Jason: What's that in your hair?
Jono: Just hairspray and gobblety gook.
[10 minutes later]
Terry: What's that in your hair?
Jono: Hairspray. I know. I look a hot mess, but I just got off of work-...
Terry: No, your hair looks fine. What's that IN your hair?
[Jono tosses his hair around and a moth* flies out]
Jono: WHAT THE FUCK! HAS THAT BEEN SLEEPING IN MY HAIR?! DID IT MAKE A NEST IN IT?! EWWWW!

*I have an irrational fear of moths.

11/20/2009

2009-11-20T23:13:00.000-05:00

[Employee banter at Bath & Body Works]
Blaire: We need $256 to meet our daily quota.
Jono: But we close in like 30 minutes!
Blaire: How can you turn some of these lookers into buyers, Jonathan? We placed you on the floor so you can sell these products like crazy. Go work your magic.
[Jono approaches a customer]
Jono: Hi! I'm Jonathan! How can I help you today?
Customer: I'd like to buy, pretty much, half of the front of the store.
Jono: I'm sorry?
Customer: I'm going to buy ten of every product you are selling in the front half of the store.
Jono: .......................
Customer: Don't worry, Jonathan, I'll help you carry it all to the counter.
[Jono walks to manager]
Jono: I just got our quota for today and tomorrow.
Blaire: ............................................

11/18/2009

2009-11-18T13:56:00.000-05:00

Meagan: I miss Summer.
Jono: Yeah. She's at a better place now.
Chris: What happened?
Penny: Who's Summer?
Jono: Summer's looking after all of us now.
Chris: WHAT?!
Penny: WHO'S SUMMER?
Meagan: Summer was Alexander in the children's show I was in, this last Spring.
Jono: Yeah, we really miss her.
Penny: Oh yeah.
[awkward silence]
Penny: Wait...WHAT?
Jono: I will look back at our memories fondly.
Meagan: She's working in California now.
All: OOOOOOHHHHH!

11/17/2009

2009-11-17T00:24:00.000-05:00

[Walking down the streets of Atlanta]
Jono: Whoa! I just saw a mouse!
Caldwell: Come to New York. The mice are cute. It's the rats that are the size of cats.
Jono: What?!
Caldwell: Yeah, the rats are HUGE! I mistake rats for cats all the time. I go to pet them, then I am unpleasantly surprised.
Jono: That's sick! Ew rats!
Caldwell: I SWEAR to you, the rats are enormous! Once I mistook a small child for a rat. She was wearing a fur coat.

11/9/2009

2009-11-09T15:01:00.000-05:00

[Watching the MTV Video Music Awards. Billie Joe Armstrong (Green Day) crowd surfs while singing]
Lena: You know what I would do if I was lifting him up? I would sneak my hand in his pants and put my finger in his butthole.
Jono/Kristen/Jana: .......................................
Lena: Yeah! He'd be like, "La la la laWHOA!!!"

[Scrolling through Jono's ipod]
Jono: Here! Pick a song to jam to...
Elise: Hmmm... Madonna? Mamma Mia? Wait... Moby Dick: The Musical?! What the fuck?!

[Jono is the only employee in Bath & Body Works. A child purposefully knocks over a giant display. Lotion goes everywhere ]
Child's Mother: [to daughter] Don't pick that up. He'll take care of it.
[The mother and child bolt out of the store. The rest of the customers help pick the bottles of lotion off the floor]
Jono: Thank you all so much. You really don't have to do this, though. I'll take care of it.
Nice Customer #1: No, no, no. It's not a problem. That was really rude. I'm sure we all know what it's like to be in your shoes.
Nice Customer #2: Yeah. We don't mind teaming together to pick up this mess. It's like 9/11!

10/4/2009

2009-10-04T01:07:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was my grandmother's 94th birthday. It was a family reunion at the house. Bunches of folks over. Chaos ensued.

Jono: How old is Nana?
Mom: She's turning 94 today.
Jono: Jesus Christ! She's like...almost a century old!

Allison: So Nana's 94?
Jono: Yeah. I think she was around when the Titanic sunk.

Nana: Jonathan, I have something to give you.
[Nana hands Jono an envelope]
Jono: Wow. Thank you so much. You know, I completely forgot that my birthday is in a week and a half. Two family members have already given me checks, I don't know where I'm going to spend all of this!
Nana: Well, open it. See what's inside.
[Jono pulls out a wallet-sized photo of Nana and Granddaddy]
Jono: ...oh.

My grandmother's cake.
For the incident, see my blog.

Allison: EW! What is that?
Jono: Apparently, that's Nana's cake.
Allison: That's so sad.
Jono: Poor mom. I bet she's pissed that it turned out like that.
Allison: Poor Nana! This will probably be her last cake-....
[awkward silence]
Jono & Allison: BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Aunt Brenda: You'd think that Kroger would have used their common sense. I mean...what in the world IS THIS?! This cake was supposed to be for a 94 year old, Southern belle. Not a 94 year old gremlin.

Special FarmVille Post

2009-09-16T16:19:00.000-04:00

Rob: I CAN'T STOP!!!! I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT FARMVILLE!!!! DAMMIT I HAVE TO CHECK MY EGGPLANTS!!!!

Casey: Someone...please. Help me understand why FarmVille happens.
Jono: Greatest question I've ever heard. I want to play. But I don't. I hate peer pressure. But those lost cows look so damn cute!

Jennifer was farming when a sad, Ugly Duckling wandered onto their farm in FarmVille. This poor ducky ran away from his old home because the other ducklings made fun of him. He feels very sad and could use a new home.

Jono: WHAT KIND OF A GAME IS THIS?!!!

Jana just transformed their ugly duckling into a beautiful swan in FarmVille!
Jono: WHAT?!!! How does this have anything to do with building a farm?!
Jana: You get animals on your farm...one of the animals is duck. You can also find 'lost' animals...one of those is an ugly duckling. You can collect the duck feathers after a couple of days...but with the ugly duckling, after a couple of days, it turned into that swan! Stop judging me!

Jono: I don't know if I want to start playing FarmVille.
Jana: Do it!
Jono: I don't know... it's so lame.
Jana: Geoffrey Douglas plays it...!
Jono: Oooooh! Suddenly, it's cool again!

9/13/2009

2009-09-13T19:27:00.000-04:00

Jono: Boobies!
Summer: Yay boobies! By the way, how's Jana doing?

9/6/2009

2009-09-06T16:43:00.000-04:00

[text message conversation]
Emily: I might have met Dr. Strangepants, but really I still don't believe you.
Jono: You did. And you should. He exists!
Emily: No!!!
Jono: You ho!
Emily: Slut!
Jono: I am! Let's go slutting together!
Emily: Yes!!!

[text message conversation]
Elise: I should make Quotent Quotables! I need to say something crazy and random, though.
Jono: Okay.
[10 minutes later]
Elise: BANANA HAMMOCK!!!

[in regards to farmville on facebook]
Ashley: Jana, I picked the weeds in your garden.
Jana: Thanks!
Jono: Ummm.....

[after a 30-minute phone conversation]
Caldwell: Well, Mr. Davis, I've really enjoyed talking to you.
Jono: Thank you for chatting. I'm sitting at a bar by myself, like a loser, waiting for my friends to get here. I just needed something to do.
[awkward silence]
Jono: ...but it was great talking to you, as well.
[awkward silence]
Caldwell: Jonathan Davis! That was an awful cover-up.
Jono: I know. I'm sorry.

[excerpt from his New York Comedy Club routine]
Caldwell: Everyone has their one straight-acting, gay friend! The one that everyone goes, "Is he...?" They're like the Diet of Gay. I'm more like the Redbull of Gay. Except I won't give you wings. Though, I will give you hepatitis.

9/4/2009

2009-09-04T14:55:00.000-04:00

[text message conversation]
Stephanie: ROR!
Jonathan: .............???
Stephanie: Raff out Roud!

Jana: I think you have a digestive issue if the toilet paper sticks to the poop on your ass.

8/25/2009

2009-08-25T23:51:00.000-04:00

[walking across a ravine]
Jana: This could be a place where someone could kill somebody.
Jonathan: I know! I was actually just thinking about that!
Jana: WHAT?!

Jonathan: I slept so well last night. In fact, I slept all the way through the night. I only woke up because I farted myself awake.

8/23/2009

2009-08-23T20:54:00.000-04:00

Allison: It smells like someone pooted.
[awkward silence]
Allison: It might've been me.
[awkward silence]
Allison: Haha. Joke's on me!

[Random stranger is singing/impersonating Louis Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World"]
Jana: ...he sounds like Cookie Monster!

8/21/2009

2009-08-21T20:10:00.001-04:00

Allison: I did something bad yesterday.
Jonathan: What?
Allison: Some guy pulled in front of me on the highway and cut me off.
Jonathan: Yeah?
Allison: It really pissed me off.
Jonathan: Yeah?
Allison: So I followed him home.
Jonathan: WHAT?!
Allison: Does that make me crazy?

Allison: I love Dexter!
Jonathan: Do you recognize Rita's husband?
Allison: Yeah! It's Jacob from LOST! He's hot.
Jonathan: Really?
Allison: Yeah, in a very trailer trash kinda way. I mean...when I saw him on LOST, I was like, "Jacob, you can take me in that foot any day!"

8/14/2009

2009-08-14T19:43:00.000-04:00

Allison: Where are you?
Jonathan: I'm at Disney World. Mickey Mouse says hi!
Allison: Well, I like to shatter kids' dreams. Mickey Mouse isn't real!
Jonathan: How can that be? I'm eating dinner with him right now.
Allison: Well, I'm eating Minnie Mouse right now. She tastes like felt.

Dad: What are we listening to?
Jonathan: Jason Mraz
Dad: He sounds like he's eaten a lot of watermelon.
Jonathan: .............................

8/4/2009

2009-08-04T23:23:00.000-04:00

Jonathan: Donate some plasma. Get $50!
Zack: Hell no! I heard that hurts like hell!
Jonathan: Probably. When we went, Lena fainted and I was turned down because I didn't have my social security card.
Zack: They thought you were an illegal alien! That's funny! Why would you gave plasma willingly?
Jonathan: This was like two years ago. We were poor. Well, not really. I guess we just wanted to make ourselves feel better as we sat among and judged all of the homeless people around us. Maybe we shouldn't have worn Abercrombie.
Zack: You and Lena should have worn your best clothes, then pointed at them and laughed! BAAAAHAHAHAHA!!!
Jonathan: Or...once we got our $50, we could walk through the lobby and say, "Psh. Pocket change. Let's burn this and create expensive confetti so we can dance around in it!"

[text message conversation]
Zack: I'm watching the food network and they are eating weird Korean food! I'm glad you're in this country and not eating that shit!
Jonathan: True story- When I went to Korea, I hated the food so I usually skipped out on meals. At the end of the trip, they gave me a loaf of bread. The translator thought I was unhealthy. I have pictures of the bread. It was stale.
Zack: I'm sorry for that suck you went through, but that's a really funny story.
[5 minutes later]
Zack: ...now I'm hungry.
Jonathan: Just like Asian food. You eat and an hour later, you're starving again. Mmmm...Sumo-to-Go-Go!
Zack: That sounds so good right now!
Jonathan: Your mom sounds so good right now!
Zack: Your Grandma sounds so good right now!
Jonathan: Too late. I fucked her last night.
Zack: Then who the hell was I fucking?!

8/3/2009

2009-08-04T00:52:00.000-04:00

Kimberly: I miss you.
Jonathan: I miss you like Faith Bullard misses having a friend.

[new vintage photographs hang on the dining room walls]
Allison: I like these pictures. Where did they come from?
Mom: They belonged to Aunt Mildred.
Allison: Poor Aunt Mildred...
Erik: Aunt Mildred?
Jonathan: Our special aunt. We put her in a retirement home and stole all her stuff.
Zack: What?!
Jonathan: Yeah, I got her car!
Dad: We got her furniture and wall decorations!
Allison: Once again, I got nothing.

7/25/2009

2009-07-25T18:16:00.001-04:00

Caldwell: We need to take another matching profile picture again.
Jonathan: Okay. Awesome!
Caldwell: Except, this time, you should copy one of my pictures.
Jonathan: Can do!
Caldwell: And I already know which one I want you to copy!

Jonathan: I can totally do that! That would be so funny!
Caldwell: Do you have a vest?
Jonathan: Yeah, I actually have one that is almost that color. Except mine doesn't look like carpet.
Caldwell: WHAT?!

7/22/2009

2009-07-22T14:36:00.000-04:00

[text message lingo]
Caldwell: ;oB
Caldwell: Turn it to the side. It's an Asian.
Jonathan: How is that an Asian?!
Caldwell: Semicolon = Slanted eyes, o = Round nose, B = Buck teeth!
Jonathan: You ho!
Caldwell: n8o()
Caldwell: It's a black man.
Jonathan: Is that a jheri curl?
Caldwell: Yes
Jonathan: C8o()

7/20/2009

2009-07-20T20:51:00.000-04:00

Joanna: So you didn't know Brian was Jewish when you cast him as Jesus?
Jonathan: Nope. That's so funny! That was strictly coincidence. He rocked that Godspell dance though. Go Jews!
Joanna: Well, Jesus was a Jew, so it's I guess it was a coincidence.
Jonathan: ...he was?
Joanna: ...yeahhh...
Jonathan: Oh. You know, you're right. I forgot about that. I thought the Jews crucified him because he was Christian.

Allison: I lost my car the other day.
Dad: How did you do that?
Allison: Well, I woke up and didn't know where I was...
Dad: Allison, how can you not know where you are when you wake up?
Allison: Well, you know when you drink a lot and do a lot of-...nevermind.

Mom: Are the Winter Olympics in 2010?
Erik: Yes. I think they are at the end of January.
Jonathan: Allison, are you going to be in the Winter Olympics?
Allison: Yes.
Dad: ...and what sport are you entering?
Allison: Bejeweled.

Dad: When I die, I'm going to be cremated.
Allison: Ew. No. When I die, I want my funeral to be a celebration. I want to be stuffed and then, at the funeral, everyone can dance around me.
Jonathan: You should be stuffed in a Olan Mills pose.
Allison: Yeah! Then, you can set me on your sofa and frighten people when they come over.
Jonathan: They can use you as a giant coaster!

7/17/2009

2009-07-17T23:48:00.000-04:00

Jonathan: How's Interlochen?
Chris: Great. We are getting really busy with shows opening.
Jonathan: Yay! Have you had that really giant ice cream sundae again?
Chris: Not yet, but it has been planned.
Jonathan: I will give you $2 if you eat one of those all by yourself.
Chris: It's almost $20 to buy one!
Jonathan: Well...
[awkward silence]
Jonathan: ...$3.
Chris: WHAT?!
Jonathan: And you have to video record it or document it.
Chris: So you can watch me suffer and throw up?
Jonathan: Yes.
Chris: You're horrible!
Jonathan: You have to eat the entire sundae. All by yourself.
[awkward silence]
Jonathan: Unless you feel a heart attack coming on, then stop.
Chris: .....................
Jonathan: I don't want that on my conscience.

7/8/2009

2009-07-08T21:37:00.000-04:00

Elise: I saw you in One Missed Call!
Jonathan: Yep. I'm in the background walking around. Then the camera goes away and I'm gone when it comes back. I finally make my big screen debut and I'm a fucking continuity error.
Elise: I remember when you were filming that.
Jonathan: Yeah, it was filmed right here in Little 5 Points.
Jana: I was filmed in my little 5 points!

Jonathan: Isn't that guy in Man of LaMancha also in Sweeney Todd at the Henry Players?
Elise: Yeah, I think he was cast in both shows.
Jonathan: Jana, what's the Mexican guy's name who plays Poncho in Man of LaMancha?
Jana: ...you mean Sancho?
Jonathan: Oh.
Jana: Poncho?!
Jonathan: [sigh] I'm such a racist.

7/7/2009

2009-07-07T21:17:00.000-04:00

Which one of these news articles stuck out in today's headlines?
Michael Jackson Memorial: Jackson's Daughter Speaks
Michael Jackson Memorial: Brooke Shields' Tribute
Michael Jackson Memorial: Stars Reach Out
Michael Jackson Memorial: MJ Takes Center Stage
Tom Cruise Buys Suri a Kangaroo
Michael Jackson Memorial: Queen Latifah's Tribute
Michael Jackson Memorial: La Toya's Tribute

*At 5:00pm today, if you went to IMDB.com, this is what their Newsdesk seriously looked like.

7/4/2009

2009-07-04T22:55:00.000-04:00

[drunken text message conversation]
caldwell: friend!
jonathan: friend!!!
caldwell: friend?
jonathan: FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
caldwell: it is you. i thought you were gone forever.
jonathan: i thought i was too. but god spared me. she's nice.
caldwell: yay!
jonathan: where are you, friend? am i dreaming now? are we dream texting?
caldwell: i'm on marshmallow mountain. and no, you aren't dreaming. you're tripping on shrooms.
jonathan: I LOVE SHROOMS! marshmallow mountain is my favorite. we should get married and let count chocula be the priest.
caldwell: that jew. i'll never let him marry us.
jonathan: summer then?
caldwell: she'll do. but she must be ordained by the high priestess of healthy snack foods. (aka sookie stackhouse)
jonathan: yay! we're getting married, chris! are you happy? i'm happy.
[caldwell never responds]
jonathan: you're horrible! i want a divorce.
caldwell: i can't afford a divorce. you're stuck with me forever.
jonathan: but you don't love me! i need love, you horrible horrible man!
[caldwell never responds]
jonathan: i'm mad at you, you meanie monster!
caldwell: you can't stay mad at me. :o)
jonathan: why? you're awful. i'll marry summer again! she loves me!!!
caldwell: I'LL TAKE YOU TO COURT FOR EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT!!! YOU WON'T HAVE A POT TO PISS IN, WHEN I'M DONE WITH YOU. i'm sure we can work this out.
jonathan: okay. we're married again. yay! love is all around!
caldwell: you won't regret this. (muah!)

7/2/2009

2009-07-02T17:33:00.000-04:00

allison: what are you doing?
jonathan: i'm running some errands.
allison: like what?
jonathan: i want some candy. so i'm at kroger getting some munchies.
allison: i hate you!
jonathan: why?
allison: whenever i say "i'm running some errands," that means i'm going to the dry cleaners or picking up prescriptions.
jonathan: well, i'm not just getting candy.
allison: where are you now?
jonathan: i'm at a bakery.

[allison likes to sign onto instant messenger and start conversations with random people she doesn't know]
allison: hey!
stranger: hey!
allison: how are you today?
stranger: good. how are you?
allison: i'm terrific.
stranger: that's good. why are you so terrific?
allison: i just fucked your mom!
*allison signs off*

allison: hey!
another stranger: hey! who is this?
allison: you don't know me, but i just thought i'd say hello.
another stranger: lol. hello!
[awkward pause]
allison: you sound like you're fat.
*allison signs off*

7/1/2009

2009-07-01T22:16:00.000-04:00

[four years ago]
caldwell: jonathan, i bet you can't name five michael jackson songs!
jonathan: are you kidding me?! i'm the biggest MJ fan in the world.
caldwell: okay...name five of his songs...
jonathan: ummm... "thriller".
caldwell: that's one...
[awkward pause]
jonathan: that song from free willy...
[awkward pause]
jonathan: ...yeah, that's all i got.

[today]
caldwell: oh my god! i almost forgot about that conversation.
jonathan: we had the same conversation about aretha franklin too. i could only name "respect" and "and i'm telling you i'm not going".
caldwell: and as you know now, she didn't sing that.
jonathan: nope. beyonce did.

[herpes is the name we chose for the puppy at petland]
zack: i love herpes!!!
jonathan: whoever winds up getting herpes will be one lucky parent.
zack: that will never stop being funny to me.
jonathan: you know, if herpes ever gave birth to bunches of little mini-herpes, then EVERYONE can have herpes in their family!
zack: what a fairy-tale ending that would be.

6/30/2009

2009-06-30T23:16:00.000-04:00

jonathan: how did your audition go?
summer: it went really well! i did a cold read with jimi kocina!
jonathan: yay! i'm so happy for you. i'll keep my fingers and boobs crossed.
summer: me too! i'll keep my nuts crossed!
jonathan: ouch. i know the feeling.

6/24/2009

2009-06-24T11:30:00.000-04:00

sarah: glitter is the herpes of art.

danielle: prince charming thought snow white was dead and he kissed her anyway. i heard he was just trying to get some.
sarah: i think he had necrophilia.

6/15/2009

2009-06-15T10:36:00.000-04:00

caldwell: hey! guess what!
jonathan: what?
caldwell: i'm in stockbridge!
jonathan: WHAT?! are you kidding me?! i'm in columbus now! the one day i go back to columbus, you come to georgia!
caldwell: actually, i'm joking. i'm in new york. you're an idiot!

caldwell: i have something to tell you. i'm really serious about this. please don't laugh, i'm kind of nervous about telling you...
jonathan: oh. okay, sure. go for it.
caldwell: well...i have a drag queen persona.
[awkward pause]
jonathan: caldwell...
caldwell: hey.
jonathan: you've told me that four times already, in four different phone calls, you whore!
caldwell: WHAT?! no way! i swear i didn't! well, let me tell you the stage name for my persona...
jonathan: wasn't it 'kitten with a whip'?
caldwell: SHUT UP! i told you that too?
jonathan: yeah.
caldwell: well, does your phone accept picture messages? i'm going to send you a picture-...
jonathan: ...-of your thigh-length boots? yeah, i saw those too.
caldwell: you ass! well, you'll never guess who i'm getting tips from, mr. davis!
jonathan: wasn't it doug? didn't you find his georgia brown youtube videos about how to apply makeup?
[awkward pause]
caldwell: can't you just pretend that i'm telling you this for the first time?!
jonathan: ...sure!
caldwell: guess what, jonathan!
jonathan: what?
caldwell: i'm going to be a drag queen so I can be in-...
jonathan: ...-a contest at a bar, where you can win bunches of money?!
caldwell: ...i...hate...you...

jonathan: are you enjoying the beach?
allison: yeah. are you enjoying being at home and working?
jonathan: i hate my life.
allison: we just made a sandcastle and tonight we're going to a broil.
jonathan: i'm so jealous.
allison: what have you done this weekend?
jonathan: nothing! completely nothing. i feel like desmond in the hatch. he couldn't do anything because he had to press that button every two hours...
allison: yeah...?
jonathan: i can't do anything because i have to take the dog out every two hours to poop or else he'll go in the house. i'm confined to this damn place!

6/9/2009

2009-06-09T21:24:00.000-04:00

jonathan: i failed big time, this afternoon. i pulled a britney spears...
jana: you flashed your vagina?
jonathan: no...
jana: oh.
jonathan: i impulsively cut off all of my hair.

6/8/2009

2009-06-08T20:07:00.001-04:00

[auditioning at the red mountain theatre company]
jonathan: *sings 16-bars of clay aiken's "this is the night"*
director: do you have any ballads?
jonathan: ummm...i think i have "i'd rather be sailing" from a new brain.
director: let's hear it!
jonathan: *sings* i'd rather be sailing, yes i would...on an open sea... i'd stand-
director: good. now, i want you to do it again. this time, i want you to replace the word "sailing" with the most lewd, perverted, disgusting lyric you can think of.
jonathan: ...oh...okay...
director: yes, but i want you to keep it grounded though. i don't want to see the song staged theatrically. the lyric you choose doesn't have to make us laugh or be over-the-top obnoxious. just make it real.
jonathan: Okay. i think i understand. *sings* i'd rather be fucking, yes i would...-
director: -no. no. jonathan, i'm sorry if i wasn't clear. i didn't want you to verbally replace the word, i just wanted you to use it as your motivation and internal monologue.
jonathan: ...OH! oh my god. i'm so embarrassed.
director: don't be. i'm sorry. i didn't make that direction very clear.
jonathan: ...do any of you have a shotgun at your table so i can put myself out of my misery now?!

6/5/2009

2009-06-05T16:51:00.000-04:00

jonathan: so...apparently that wreckage they found in the atlantic ocean was from another plane and not from the missing one. looks like widmore is up to his usual tricks again!
allison: see! everyone said i was being insensitive when i was joking about it and now look...
jonathan: no. i think it's absolutely hilarious. what irony. i bet the missing plane is on an island in the atlantic. the passengers are finding polar bears, hatches, and slave ships.
allison: or they are back thirty years ago and we are their grandkids already.
jonathan: oh my god! that's why we were adopted!
allison: yes! sun is our mommy!
jonathan: i bet she gave birth to us and went back to find our daddy on the island. she left us with marcia and ed.
allison: they are like rose and bernard but meaner.

6/3/2009

2009-06-03T12:32:00.000-04:00

jonathan: we should blame our facebook breakup on prop8...
summer: or miss california...
jonathan: or donnie...
summer: he ruins everything!!!

allison: jonathan! why did you break up with summer?
jonathan: it was about that time...
allison: but she was the best thing to come into your life!!!

6/2/2009

2009-06-02T23:15:00.000-04:00

[summer's facebook status]
summer is officially a starving actor...
jonathan's response comment: as of june 1, the corner of broadway and 10th is now open.
faith's response comment: as funny as that is, that's not funny hunny.
---
jonathan's facebook message to faith: GOD! I WANT TO HIT YOU!

5/30/2009

2009-05-30T16:40:00.000-04:00

[one side of a phone conversation]
allison [on the phone]: are you coming to estoria?
carrie: allison, ask her if bob is coming!
jonathan: who's rob?
allison: who was robbed?
carrie: he's one of the coolest guys you'll ever meet!
allison: rob was robbed?
carrie: no, is bob coming?
allison: i don't know who rob is...
carrie: i said bob.
allison: bob was robbed?
jonathan: who's bob?
carrie: he's one of the coolest guys you'll ever meet!
allison: i don't know who bob is...
carrie: me either. i was just seeing if she knew anyone named bob that would be there.

allison: i'm going to have to cancel our plans for tonight. my booty hurts too much from pooping.

5/28/2009

2009-05-28T11:18:00.000-04:00

[pre-show speech at zanna don't]
fundraiser lady: anyone can donate. blacks, whites, latinos, asians, caucasians... well, caucasians are white people, but you get the point!

[pre-show speech at zanna don't]
fundraiser lady: hi! i work at a shelter for gays, lesbians, bi-sexual, and transgendered children and young adults. we support and take care of kids that have been thrown out or abused.
audience: [cheers]
fundraiser lady: i know i only have three minutes to talk to you, but oh well, i'm going to tell you a story...
audience: [groans]
fundraiser lady: there was a girl who was thrown out because she came out to her parents. after growing up on the streets, living dangerously, we picked her up. oh gosh...i didn't even think about inviting her to see the show tonight! i should have done that! she just got back from college today and she could have come and told her story to you. CRAP! i just told you the ending. well, yeah, she just finished her second year of college. yaaaaay!

5/27/2009

2009-05-27T03:00:00.000-04:00

[phone conversation with the educational director at georgia ensemble theatre]
jonathan: hello?
enda: hi. am i speaking to jonathan davis?
jonathan: this is he. i mean...i'm jonathan. umm...yes you are.
enda: oh. oops. did i wake you up?
jonathan: oh no. i was just...uhh...staring out the window...
enda: okay...
jonathan: yeah. it's...so...gloomy...?
enda: yeahhh.

jonathan: i love you and i want your babies...to feed to my babies.
kimberly: i would gladly sacrifice my children for the better nutrition of yours.

5/25/2009

2009-05-25T19:41:00.000-04:00

caldwell: i'm planning on going to a drag show!
jonathan: really? where?
caldwell: it's at a new york club.
summer: what's your name?
caldwell: kitten. kitten with a whip!
summer: is this a contest?
caldwell: yeah, the winner gets $500. but no matter what outfit i have on, i will always accessorize myself with a whip.

jonathan: summer...this is my sister, allison.
allison: hi summer. this is my boyfriend, eric.
jonathan: eric, this my friend summer.
summer: hi! i'm summer.
allison: eric, you remember jonathan.
eric: of course. hello jonathan!
allison: [to eric] MEOW!
jonathan/eric/summer: .......................

courtney: well, i have to clean up around here. it was great talking to you!
jonathan: aight, nigga. peace out!

mom: how many episodes does lost have left, this year?
jonathan: the season's over. they killed off two of my favorite characters, too.
mom: hurley?
jonathan: no. he's still there.
mom: it's crazy to think of how lucky he was to have been cast, especially with how ugly and fat he is...
jonathan: MOM!!!
mom: what?
dad: marcia, they cast him because people like that can relate to him.
mom: i know. i love hurley.
jonathan: they would never kill him off because he's like the most loved character!
mom: he is. i think he's really funny. he's just so disgusting!
jonathan: MOM!!!

5/23/2009

2009-05-23T16:58:00.000-04:00

[text message conversation]
summer: i have a ruptured ovarian cyst. =(
jonathan: jesus! oh my god! what do you have to do about that?
summer: nothing. blah! i can still function, but no physical activity.
jonathan: ew. you should sue.
summer: sue my ovary?
jonathan: donnie.
summer: SUE DONNIE!!!

5/22/2009

2009-05-22T15:07:00.000-04:00

[following dance callbacks]
jonathan: i'm sore as POO today!
lena: me too. i'm way out of shape.
jonathan: we should exchange body fat. you're skinnier and lighter than me.
lena: i'm just shorter than you!
jonathan: oh yeah...

[text message conversation]
jonathan: i love you. i'm shouting "I LOVE KIMBERLY BELFLOWER" in the rain!
kimberly: i created the rain and purposefully sent it to you to shower your adonis body with my love. you are the love of my life!
jonathan: i was just struck by lighting and now i'm in pain. what does that mean?
kimberly: that you were cheating on me, so i punished you.
jonathan: oh. ok. i like pain, by the way.
kimberly: damn it. i'll just have to think of another way to punish you. maybe by killing your firstborn in an earthquake.
jonathan: not before i eat it first.
kimberly: be careful eating in an earthquake! you could choke and die.
jonathan: at least my baby would die with me... half-ingested.
kimberly: how beautiful. what a way to go out.
jonathan: thanks to our love, we can make this possible.
kimberly: we are such trendsetters in the field of love and dreams.

jonathan: can you suggest to the springer opera house to cast julious fletcher as captain hook in peter pan?
summer: can you also suggest to the springer to cast him as ren in footloose?
kristen: i already did that. he's got both roles. and curly in oklahoma.
jonathan: tell me honestly- how would you truly feel if he was cast AS patsy cline and you were cast as his understudy.
kristen: i would be honored to be in the presence of that much talent.

summer: i left side REALLY hurts. is that where your appendix is?
jonathan: no. juliet removed jack's appendix on the right side of his tummy on lost.

summer: my side still hurts!
jana: maybe your ovulating...
summer: i am NOT ovulating!
jonathan: is that when your boobs give milk?
jana: WHAT?! that's lactating!

ARCHIVES

2009-05-20T15:06:00.000-04:00

[facebook chat conversation]
jonathan: ( . )( . )
jana: yum!

wendy: we're rooming together on the tour!
jonathan: yay!
wendy: it'll be you, me, and my dog.
brandon: look out. her dog's a racist.
wendy: he likes asians! he just doesn't know the difference between black and white.
scott: asians. bah! asians are the mexicans of the east!

scott: i think everyone in the theatre community knows that i have a tiny penis.
zany: i don't believe you.
scott: the way i describe it to people is it's like an acorn resting on an afro wig.

scott: i accidentally had a pooping incident with my costume once.
sharisa: what? did you poop in your costume?
scott: not exactly. i had to take a shit after a show and when i was done, the butt-flap of my shirt fell in the toilet.

kayla: what's on the hertz stage right now?
brandon: it's a show called 26 miles.
kayla: what's that about?
scott: it's the musical version of eminem's story told three and a half times over.

justin: zany, you look sexy in your costume.
zany: thanks! i love it!
justin: you look just like a 14 year old.

rosemary newcott: scott, when you make your entrance as the bunny, i want you to come behind the bush.
scott: ...say what?
rosemary newcott: i want you to ride in on the platform, you know...your unit, and pop out.
scott: .....so let me get this straight. i'm going to ride in on my unit and then come behind the bush...?

[following a run-through]
sharisa: i messed up on that line before 'life without music'.
bernard: yeah! what happened with that? i was off, too.
zany: yeah, i had a skipped line in there.
brandon: somehow, most of us got off of the correct dialogue.
jonathan: man...i wish i messed up so i can be in your little club!

[during class of 3000 rehearsal]
jonathan: what's that?
justin: it's a video game. i don't have a girlfriend, so this is what i do when i'm not working...
jonathan: oh...
justin: [reading the video game box] yes! partial nudity!!!

mom: love you! see you on thursday!
jonathan: what? where are you going?
mom: my friends and i are going to st. simon's beach.
jonathan & dad: WHAT?!

[during class of 3000 rehearsal]
jonathan: i think the "cool, cool kitty" song is my favorite song in the show.
wendy: why? because you don't have to sing in it like i do?
jonathan: i think it's catchy! PLUS I LIKE KITTY CATS! ESPECIALLY COOL ONES, BITCH! GET OFF MY BACK!

[during class of 3000 rehearsal]
wendy: your boys have such beautiful eyes. they're so blue.
scott: yeah. the twins are so lucky in so many ways. they have prettier eyes than i do and have bigger penises.
jonathan: wait...aren't your kids-...
scott: -yeah, they're 14 months old. I KNOW!

summer: are you dating her?
jonathan: oh my god! GROSS!
summer: she looks like halloween.
jonathan: she looks like the offspring of julious fletcher and a buffalo.
summer: i bet she uses kitty litter.
jonathan: i bet she uses a gerbil wheel to exercise.

allison: we need to talk about the last episode of lost!
jonathan: no! i tried calling you immediately after it aired and you didn't answer.
allison: oh yeah. sorry. eric and i were having sex.
jonathan: AHHH!

allison: i have a food baby!
jonathan: what's that?!
allison: it's that bloated feeling after you've eaten a bunch of food and it's just sitting in your stomach.
jonathan: oh.
allison: yeah. i have a mexican food baby i need to abort now.
jonathan: AHHH!!!

[waiting around in the airport terminal]
jonathan: hi. so are you our pilot for today?
pilot: i am.
fellow passenger: how's the weather looking? hopefully it's warmer in atlanta than here.
pilot: the last time i checked it was 55 degrees.
fellow passenger: nice.
[awkward pause]
pilot: hopefully we won't run into any birds today!
everyone else: ..........................................................

[after seeing a performance of speed the plow]
jonathan: i wish you saw spleed the pow...i mean-...
caldwell: SPLEED THE POW?! is that the asian version of the show?

[1:00 am]
chris: you should go to bed. we need to wake up and be at the theatre by nine to get our hedda gabler tickets.
jonathan: don't worry, old man. i'll be up before you!
chris: whatever. i'm going to drag you out of bed because i know you won't get up that early.
[10:30 am- both still asleep]
chris: ...fuck hedda gabler.

jonathan: i'm not gonna lie. i saw the little mermaid.
michael hopewell: awww! did it bring out the little, nine year old girl in you?
jonathan: no. it brought out the 24 year old, theatre queen. i sat front row, center and cried for the last 30 minutes of the show.

jonathan: we saw uncle vanya with peter sarsgaard and maggie gyllenhaal.
lena: wow! maggie gyllenhaal!!!
jonathan: yeah. she looked just as high as she does in all of her movies.

[walking to the bar, there are only 2 seats]
jonathan: here, steven, let's share.
steven: yay!
jana: i like how the boys have to split a seat while i have my own. this just tells everyone in the bar that i'm single!
steven: you're just jealous that our skinny asses can actually fit on one seat!

jonathan: where's nana and graddaddy? they've always had breakfast with us on christmas!
mom: your grandmother's sister, louise, is in the hospital and they're staying with her. she has nobody.
allison: damnit, louise! why do you have to be so selfish?!

sam may: peter pan was so good! it made me feel like a 5 year old again.
jonathan: yeah, it made me want to have children so i could bring them to see it...then throw them away after.

ej: i'm rich! these jeans i'm wearing cost $1000...per leg.
jonathan: whoa! that's like...$6000.
ej: i thought you people were supposed to be good at math.
jonathan: no, i added a couple thousand for your ass.

jonathan: hugh jackman! nicole kidman! mmmmm!
haley rice: i know! yum, hugh jackman!
jj musgrove: yep. i'd do him.
jonathan & haley: .......................
jj musgrove: i mean...i'd watch him brush his teeth...

haley rice: i need to go. i have to volunteer at a shelter for dogs with no butts.

haley rice: i start fires with my mind and sometimes i wear a party hat for no reason.

lena: do you want to go smoke?
sam may: sure!
jonathan: com'mon, india. we, non-smokers, will stand and watch as we enjoy our long, tobacco-less lives.
sam may: what?! says the guy that takes pills every night to go to sleep!!!

jonathan: i went home two weeks ago and my parents told me that this woman from my old church passed away.
lena: oh no!
jonathan: it's so sad. her son died a few years ago and her husband just passed away last year.
sam may: it's probably because her heart was broken...
jonathan: ...actually it was cancer.

lindsay: i feel like i'm much better now. i no longer judge people out loud, only in my head.

[text message conversation]
jonathan: "becky sue!"
emily: =(
jonathan: "i'm just a bill!"
emily: stop! are you feeling okay?
jonathan: "actually i'm a teacher!"
emily: oh no. jono, it was just a role. i know playing it 80 times might have made it seem real, but you are not tom from schoolhouse rock.
jonathan: "i'm that song and dance phenominon, max!"
emily: this is so heartbreaking...

[text message conversation]
jonathan: meow.
barrett: meow. beth says hi!
jonathan: hi beth! hi barrett! hi cat!

brenda may-ito: we have a buttastic relationship!

[rebecca runs out, leaving everyone sitting in the theatre]
becky becker: what happened?
megan: rebecca and larry just said...the scottish play.
brenda may-ito: larry, why are you still here? go outside, spit, and spin in a circle!
larry mcdonald: no! i've played the role and that superstition doesn't apply to actors who've played the role.
becky becker: since when? who made that rule?!
rebecca mcgraw: www.larrymakestherules.com

becky becker: audition better! i'm getting sleepy!

brenda: we may be sluts, but you guys are weird! bitches and hos!!!

[while visiting lena's grandmother's house]
lena's mom: i was supposed to take your grandmother to the library today.
lena: you didn't go?
lena's mom: no. i think she wanted to sleep in. she's actually still asleep now.
lena: but it's 4:00 in the afternoon!
lena's mom: so?
lena: ...have you checked on her?!!!
lena's mom: no.
lena: AHHH! MOM!!!

jonathan: i bought y'all something at rue21 today! i'm so excited!
sam may & lena: oooh! what is it?
jonathan: it's clothing-....wait, did i just say rue21?
sam may & lena: yes.
jonathan: oh. i meant wal-mart.

jeremiah: the blood capsule popped in my mouth and all the blood went down my throat.
kimberly: OH MY GOD!!!
everyone else: ..................???

[while giving acting notes]
sam hughes: ...oh no. my pants are falling down...
jonathan: EW!!!!!

jonathan: why is he doing that in front of kate, sam, dureyea, and michael?
kimberly: because he is the closest to being retarded as it is possible to be, without actually qualifying.

sam may: that's such a good headshot! he looks like a model...minus his face.

jonathan: you look pretty today! you look like you belong on little house on the prairie.
amber: what?! all of those girls are ugly!
jonathan: nooo. i meant that you look like the blind girl on little house on the prairie.
amber: ...i hate my life.

piano guy at bar: everybody, give a round of applause to my piano partner! he drove all the way from raleigh just to play here, tonight!
jonathan: yeah!!! raleigh! i love colorado!!!

[at barrett's formal party]
stephen: i feel so under-dressed. i shouldn't have worn shorts. i'm so embarrassed.
jonathan: yeah...i know how you feel. last year, i-...well, nevermind. i dressed up last year. i don't know how you feel. sorry.

lena: i'm terrified of children. they're sticky.

jonathan: i love maple nut goodies!
lena: GROSS! it looks like rabbit poop. so it's like you're eating poop.
jonathan: what?! ...you eat poop every day!
lena: ...i know.

jonathan: maybe he's retarded.
lena: what?! he looks completely normal!
jonathan: there are retarded people, out there, who look completely normal.
lena: ...why are you looking at me?!!!

michael: what i'm about to do is really gay. but maybe that's just me.

jonathan: I AM YOUR ONLY FRIEND!
samantha: yes sir.
jonathan: WHAT DID I JUST SAY?
samantha: you are my only friend.
jonathan: THAT'S RIGHT!
samantha: [cries]
jonathan: STOP THAT!
samantha: yes sir.

[while crossing through kentucky]
text message from brittain: woo ky!
text message from jonathan: the jelly?! ew!

jonathan: we miss you! come back to america!
jens: i'm still here!
jonathan: oh. in that case...come back to georgia!
jens: i'm leaving tomorrow. i'm sad. send your friends kisses and hugs, all around.
jonthan: no! come back to columbus and give them to us, yourself!!!

michael: tim should share his winnings.
jonathan: i know! help a poor theatre kid out. F nigeria, there are starving people in columbus!

jonathan: happy birthday, becky! i hope you're having a swell time away from columbus. i rolled your house last night.

summer: i can relate, all too well, with all of the characters in this recital.
lena: because they're all gay!!!

[after singing 'all that jazz']
sheila: phew! i...want...to be catherine zeta-jones when i get older.
jonathan: oh my god! me too!!!

jonathan: this summer's been crazy.
jana: i know. same here.
jonathan: but last summer...holy shit! last summer was so much fun!
jana: yeah it was!
jonathan: everything about last summer was just AWESOME...
jonathan & jana: ...oh...wait!
[awkward silence]

[drunken banter]
jonathan: fabio?! where did fabio go?! we need to take a picture with him!
jana: maybe he went to the bathroom...
jonathan: what can i say to bring him back?.....FABIO! come suck my dick!!!

[drunken banter]
kevan: jesus is my best friend! he died for me! him and his rainbow coat!
jonathan: that wasn't jesus...
kevan: ...then who the hell have i been friends with?!!!

rearcous: i think it's about to rain...
[thunder booms and rain starts to fall]
random asian guy that wasn't me: what the hell! that was some john locke-shit right there, man!!!

krista: where's dr. strangepants?
emily: he doesn't exist! he's not real!
jonathan: what?! you bigot! prejudice against fabulous people!
emily: what did you call me?
jonathan: a bigot!
emily: who said that they hated asians and jews at dinner tonight?!!!

jonathan: i'm going to do nasty things to you and then kill you!
emily: oh my god! mac, did you just hear that?
jonathan: what? i was just commenting on how nice the weather is...
mac: yeah, i think the rain made the heat go away.
emily: are you kidding me?
jonathan: if you do that again, i'm going to cut you!
emily: jesus! please tell me someone heard that?!
mac: emily, stop embarassing me.

becky becker: aww! he looks like he's eaten one too many doughnuts.

becky becker: patronage. i think society could live without-...wait a second. i could use a patron in my life!!!

summer: i'm poor!
larry mcdonald: summer, i'm poor too.
summer: but larry...you're not as poor as me.
larry mcdonald: ...yeah, that's true.

[walking through the lobby of the broadway crossing dorms]
summer: why did it smell so good?
india: i think they just waxed down there.
kevan: as did i.

kevan: we're going to meet at locos. not the cantina, but the one with the moose.

india: i've always loved the hulk.
jonathan: i never really got in to it.
india: i actually wanted to be the she-hulk when i was little.
jonathan: ...like for halloween or something?
india: no...for real. she-hulk really existed.
jonathan: ..............

jonathan: are you doing anything special for dad for father's day?
allison: brother, i guess i shouldn't tell you this, but i'm going to be in charleston with our parents and the gilsons...i guess your invite might have gotten lost in the mail...

kizzy: i love all's well that ends well.
emily: i like all of his romantic plays. but i love hamlet.
jonathan: i'm going to be honest, i haven't read all of shakespeare's work. but i love-
becky becker: jonathan...really...i just-......UGH! you call yourself a theatre major!!!

becky becker: i didn't mean to do it! it wasn't my hormones, it was the devil!

jonathan: oh lordy! it's hannah jacobs!
hannah: man down! it's jono!
jonathan: what up, nigga.
hannah: balls.

jonathan: i've seen you naked.
lena: but you haven't seen my vajayjay!
jonathan: oh yeah.
lena: i can count on three...hands...how many people have seen my vajayjay!

[while playing with a toy story- woody doll]
lena: somebody poisoned the blood hole!
everyone else: .................................

brittain: i opened my eyes and there was a dragonfly on my sunglasses. it scared the shit out of me!
jonathan: bahahaha! you shit yourself!
brittain: yes. i'm like lena!

brittain: my dad loves powerthirst!
jonathan: i showed it to my dad and he fussed at me for spending too much time on the computer.

bartender: how would you like your hot wings?
jana: how would you like my vagina? medium? hot? would you like ranch dressing with that?
jonathan: i want mine with celery!

allison: there was never a love like desmond and penny! and poor jin! poor sun! poor helicopter!

lena: i feel like everyone in the bar has a gun but me.

jonathan: supposedly, that guy had slept with donnie before.
chris: WHAT?!
jonathan: yeah...isn't that gross?!
chris: ...EWWWW!!! tainted property!!!

[after telling jana the above story]
jana: i don't want to even think about anyone having sex with donnie. that is DISGUSTING! that is not okay!!!

[drunken text message conversation]
jonathan: i'm drunk. where are you?
emily: i'm working at a children's camp for a few days. i wish i was drinking though.
jonathan: well you better do it with those kids, emily.
emily: what?!
jonathan: you better do it with them. HARD!!! i expect to see you on the news tomorrow, emily.
emily: ahhhhh!
jonathan: don't let me down, emily.

[drunken text message]
jana: drink drank drunk!!!

lena: come see me at dailey's! there's only black people!

larry mcdonald: kate, you told me not to use soft focus and i look over and jj is totally in soft focus!
jj musgrove: ...i have to say...this is the first time in my life i have ever heard of this "soft focus".
larry mcdonald: WHAT?!
jj musgrove: i thought it was a musical theatre term.

jonathan: larry appears courtesy of actors' equity association.
kim garcia: then let's put a big "equity" star on his private "equity" dressing room!
steve graver: ...with lots of "equity" glitter!
jonathan: ...and a big "equity" fruit basket!
kim garcia: only if we can put a steve graver doll in this fruit basket!

jonathan: what's up!
chris: i'm chatting with a friend, i haven't talked to her in years.
jonathan: you should ask her out.
chris: she's a lesbian.

jonathan: three stage managers and a small cast. it's days like these that we need something to do.
larry mcdonald: you could always buy liquor!

jonathan: we can kill two birds with one stone.
stephanie: yay! bird killing!

jeremiah: oh blood wedding!
stephanie: that was such a challenge of me, as an actor.
jonathan: yeah, that was a challenge for me too...and i was an audience member.

summer: your hand's on my boob!
jonathan: no it's not. my hand's on a flat surface. it's on your chest!
summer: [cries]

jim: bye guys! break a leg today, larry!
larry mcdonald: wait! you're not going to be here?
jim: no. i'm going to a concert.
larry mcdonald: ...you mean...i have to work with an understudy for my second rehearsal?! i am NOT working under these conditions!!!

larry mcdonald: i'm acting! i'm acting! man grind on jj! sob sob sob! woe is me! and now i expect to get the final bow!

samantha: you just buried your face in the butthole pillow!

allison: i saw two black cats fighting outside my apartment today.
chris: i saw two black folk fighting outside my apartment today.

[text message conversation on mother's day]
jonathan: hey! are you back in columbus? come bowling!
summer: no! i'm with my beautiful mother!
jonathan: ...what's a mother?
summer: someone who sells themself for sex.

jonathan: wait...girls don't pee out their butts?! WHAT?!!!

[after turning in multiple karaoke slips]
josh (the terrible karaoke dj): lena, jono...so many songs to choose from...
jonathan: pick and choose, man. pick and choose!
random stranger: did you just say pikachu?!
jonathan: ...yes...yes. i like to randomly call out names of pokemon characters!

josh (the terrible karaoke dj): these girls are about to sing a song about what i do to girls every time i'm alone at my apartment...
allison: rape them?

[on the beach at 6:00 in the morning]
lena: hey! everyone, wake up! watch the sun rise!!!
everyone: *grumbles*
lena: come on! you all said you'd watch it with me!
everyone: *grumbles*
lena: please! you all should wake up and stay up; and if you don't get up, i'll throw sand on you!
summer: i'm cold!
samantha: me too. let's get up-...
lena: YAY!
samantha: ...-and sleep in our cars.
everyone: yeah!!!

samantha: where is she from?
lena: rome.
samantha: georgia?
jonathan: nooo. rome, greece!
lena: ...but rome is in italy.
jonathan: oh. well damn.
lena: HAHA! you tried to sound cool, but now you're really a dummy!

[at the stage door for 'the lion king']
jonathan: oh my god! i'm so glad i got to see 'aida' tonight!
summer: -wait! i thought we just saw 'dreamgirls'.

[drunken banter]
lindsay: who took my feet away from me?!
jim: they're right in front of you, lindsay.
lindsay: YOU DID IT! GIVE ME MY FEET BACK! YOU STOLE THEM!!!

summer: ooh! look! that guy is hot!
jonathan: ew. no! he's a mexic-
brittain: HEY!

jonathan: tap crass leady?!
tap class: YEAH!
jonathan: one. two. thlee. four. five!

lena: i want cigarettes!
jonathan: i want food!
lena: let's stop by a gas station.
jonathan: oh wait! i have cigarettes at my apartment. nevermind.
lena: ...but i wanted cigarettes.
jonathan: i thought you wanted food.
lena: no! you were the hungry one!
jonathan: but i'm not hungry...
lena: oh...maybe i was...

jonathan: that's TWO, emily. don't make me come back for more!
emily: WHAT?! you've raped me like 800 times!

ej: my alter-ego is named "delishus" and she's a fox.
jonathan: .........FAG!!!

lena: i have a boyfriend and he's a baby!
jonathan, mike, and chris: .........................
jonathan: PERVERT!

jonathan: rape! rape! rape!
michael: drape! drape! drape!

[while giving line notes]
ej: ethan, you have to snort. the script says you are support to snort.
ethan: oh. i thought i did. normally i just chortle.

jonathan: we went on a quest to find you, last night.
lena: ooh! did you find me?!
jonathan: ...evidentally not.

samantha: parties! you know...when people drink...and blow up balloons...

chris: i hate you. and by hate, i mean love.
jonathan: and by love, you mean poop.
chris: yes, indeed. i poop you.

lena: mean lena want to do more!

gus: there nothing i like more than to wake up in the morning with erect nipples. and they don't even have to be mine!

janine: i've always wanted to be invisible!
everyone else: .........................................?

jonathan: oh my god! chocolate turnover!!!
emily: WHERE?!
jonathan: oh wait! damn! it was a just mirage. it was really a homeless person.

emily: barrett, you're such a judge monster!

chris: basement at the bottom at the end of the worrd!
jonathan: amelican buffaro!
kate musgrove: ha! amelican buffaro!
jonathan: sirry chlistopher derrs!
kate: umm...why are we doing this?!

samantha: ...i just don't want to get stressed out by my one-act.
kate musgrove: remember- this is just A PLAY! there are people dying in afghanistan!!!

[incorrect lines from american buffalo's run]
gus: "i eat shit"
nicholas: "i know, bob."

gus: what if, on the last day of tour, we woke up in the van and barrett climbed inside and said, "hey! did you have a good nap? welcome to your first day of tour!!!"
the whole cast: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

[while on a children's tour]
emily: jonathan, so i was on your youtube page and watched a video called 'rape: episode 1'...WHAT THE FUCK!
barrett: emily!
emily: i'm sorry. but really........WHAT THE FUCK?!!!

[the new, cut version of schoolhouse rock live too]
(tom enters the diner- cookie, julie, rebecca, lucky, and nina stand around holding various kitchen utensils)
tom: whew! what a crazy day! can i get some coffee please?
nina: no!
tom: ..............fuck you then! i'm going to starbucks.
(end of play)

waitress at picassos: are you on a seperate ticket?
jonathan: yes. and guess what! april 24th will be amazing! tour will be finished, lost will be back on, one-acts will be done, and chris had sex with my mom!
waitress at picassos: ..............................

allison: did mom tell you that nana had a stroke today?
jonathan: what?! no!
allison: yeah, well, she did. but i've been avoiding their calls recently. she probably just said it for attention.
jonathan: what?! nana had a stroke to get attention?

[the tour van starts swerving on the road]
jonathan: guys, it's been really great working with you...
emily: i love you guys!
barrett: what?! what are y'all doing?
gus: we're praying.

[talk-back session following a schoolhouse performance]
random student: are you chinese?
jonathan: ...why yes. yes i am.
random student: really? do you know jackie chan?
jonathan: ...yes. he's actually my cousin.
random student: what? really?!
jonathan: NO!!!

faith: i kinda like rehearsing in the blackbox.
kate musgrove: i couldn't see you though. only when you smiled.

chris: why is it so smokey outside?
jonathan: ew. it's all foggy.
chris: your mom's all foggy!
jonathan: what?
chris: you heard me. i fogged your mom last night.

jonathan: we are like the number one and number two hottest people, based on that compatibility application, on facebook! SO WHY DOESN'T ANYONE LIKE US?!!!

jonathan: my friend, summer, and i are afraid of drag queens.
allison: nooo! don't be afraid! you just have to get to know them.
jonathan: but they scare me.
allison: awww, don't be scared. they're friendly monsters.

chris: blue cross/blue shield are our friends! our arab-terrorist friends!

gus: faith IS purple.

janitor at elementary school: wow. you guys are pretty good. i thought you were gonna suck!

ej: yeah! jazz hands!
jonathan: what?! that's disgusting!
ej: what? i like doing jazz hands while i'm tapping.
jonathan: oh! i thought you said jizz hands.

lena: i feel like he has a video out called "barely 18".

emily: i can't wait to get a kitten this afternoon!
mac: hmmmmph...
emily: you'll love it!
mac: okay. but if i ever get tired of it, i know some great recipes.

jonathan: let's talk about your character...
gus: well, i did a lot of research on people that drank a lot...

jonathan: i don't want to do this.
chris: you're a negative-ned!
jonathan: no...i'm a emo-ernie
chris: ...what?!

kate musgrove: i could do you after i do him.

rebecca mcgraw: so, the alpha psi omega banquet is more 'cocktail' than 'ball gown', right?
jonathan: yep. nothing too formal.
tim mcgraw: good. cause i don't want to wear a ball gown!
rebecca mcgraw: oh, i'm sure i have a few you can fit in to...
jonathan: ........................

jonathan: "phew! what a CRAAAAZY day! come on everybody, say it with me!"
everybody at picasso's pizza restaurant: WHAT A CRAAAAZY DAY!!!

jonathan: donnie is a douchebag.
michael: he even gives douchebags a wrong name.
chris: no! douchebags have a purpose and a reason. donnie has neither!

jonathan: here, i drew pictures of all seven of us. i love you amber, but i drew you with cancer.
amber: what?!!! cancer?!
jonathan: amber, this is not a laughing matter.

[after baking a pizza]
summer: ahh! where's the cookie cutter-thing?!
jonathan: the cookie cutter-thing?
summer: you know, the cutter...the circle!

emily: i think i'll room with you guys tonight.
gus: you should.
jonathan: yeah! we can have an orgy now!

michael: i'd have sex with me.
jonathan: yeah, i'd have sex with me too.
chris: you guys are ridiculous.
jonathan: what? you wouldn't have sex with you?
chris: no. my standards are higher than myself.

gus: i don't think hotel is haunted, it's just shitty.

summer: i got you something from japan!
jonathan: my real parents?!

mike the piano player: girls fake orgasms. but that's okay...guys fake relationships.

mike the piano player: who's horny tonight
[audience cheers]
random lady in front: not me! no way!
mike the piano player: psh. you're wearing sequins! you must be horny!

aileen: there is a lot of penis at this party.
allison: yeah, the sausage to egg ratio is pretty intense!

[after an insult involving 'your momma']
michael: oh snap! he brought yo momma into this!
chris: fuck your mom!
jonathan: i did! i fucked my mom in the face!
chris and michael: .......................

[talk-back session following a schoolhouse performance]
random student: how long did you rehearse?
janine: about 13 days.
random student: what's your favorite part about the show?
jonathan: trying new things. every show is different. we're going to perform around 70 shows.
random student: are you having fun and do y'all like the show?
the cast: ...............................................................

barrett: surprise! we added another performance today! YAY!
cast: *sigh*
barrett: ...and it's at a different school than our first show!
cast: *Sigh*
barrett: ...so that's why we had to make our call-time even earlier!!!
cast: *SIGH*
barrett: ...and our first show is at a middle school!!!
jonathan: guys, during 'tax man max' today, i'm going to impale myself with my cane.
emily: oh my god! i would be so traumatized! i don't think i could perform anymore.
jonathan: yes. i will sacrifice myself for our sanity and happiness.

chris: YAY! i like boobies!

[following a performance of schoolhouse]
random teacher: is your name steve?
gus: no.
random teacher: oh. wow. you look JUST LIKE a guy i know named steve. we used to...nevermind.

jonathan: you should feel priviledged that you have boobs to be touched. some people don't have any.

megan: taking tylenol pm every night can't be good for you.
jonathan: i know, i know. i'm probably going to die at a young age due to liver and kidney damage, but atleast i get eight hours of wonderful sleep every night!

[after walking 6 blocks to get to "mom's italian restaurant"]
sarah: IT'S CLOSED?!!!
jonathan: what the hell!
doug: what?! did "mom" die or something?
random pedestrian stranger: actually, i know what happened. it was in the newspapers. "mom" passed away last week.
everyone: ...............................

brittain: what's that?
jonathan: pages from the bible.
megan: you tore out pages from a bible?!
jonathan: i liked some of the quotes.
brittain: quotes?
jonathan: quotes, chapters...whatever.

michael: nap-nap-nap!
jonathan: fart-fart-fart!

doug: do me now! sorry, that's my default statement when i don't know what to say.

a drunken note found in my pants pocket the following morning:
"i love lena. i love mike. i love meeeeeee!!! here's to nipples, because without them titties are pointless."

chris: what if we put numbers to everything we said...
jonathan: 6 21 in the 1, 21 16-15-19!
chris: ..................

[drunken text message conversation]
michael: i need vagina.
jonathan: i need cock.

[drunken bar banter]
jonathan: i have no more money! who wants to buy me a drink? i'll give you a blowjob!

random strange lady at bar: i have three children and no friends! i'll buy you shots and drinks if i can sit with you!
lena and jonathan: sure!
random strange lady at bar: YAY for buying friends!!!

lena: i feel so much hotter in this bar. every time i come here, everyone gives me free things.
jonathan and michael: .........

[my mind going blank in the middle of tom's rap in schoolhouse rock]
jonathan: in the mornings when i'm wide awake, i love to take a walk to the diner and have me some cake. where i often eat a doughnut and...drink...a...milkshake. and...and........and... i just LOVE this diner SO MUCH! ...I LOVE EATING HERE!!!

michael: mmm. eggs over my hammy!
jonathan: that sounds like a sex position.

[on the phone]
chris: come get something to eat with me.
jonathan: no thanks. i just ate and i'm so full! eating was definitely a mistake!
[15 minutes later on instant messenger]
chris: i'm eating all alone now.
jonathan: me too. mmmm...dessert! i LOVE cupcakes!
chris: WHAT?!!!

krystine: gerta-berta-gerta-berta-gerta-berta!

krystine: sam may.
lena: salmon?!
krystine: yes. i want to cast a fish in my show, lena.

kate musgrove: son of a whore!

gus: he's all nice and all, but really...he has serious doo-doo breath!

nick: hands! HANDS! HANDS!
amber: all you have to say is 'help'.

[excerpt from kelley's xanga]
kelley wilson: ok, so i feel great today for some odd reason. i think things are looking up. the gift of life can be really something. it's not about stupid trivial things, who likes who more, what did that person say, how long a conversation was, the freakin internet! ha look at me. such a hypocrite! you just have to let things go. greatest advice for the day. LET IT GO! free yourself from bullshit. alright keep up the faith.

kate musgrove: you're being weird. STOP BEING WEIRD!!!

jonathan: what's another word for someone who tries too hard, but fails miserably?
gus: "donnie".
jonathan: he should feel proud that he's still talked about.
gus: he's what we call 'infamous'.

[a flock of students gather at the GSW booth]
georgia southwestern representative: HA! if this was a popularity contest, we would sooo be winning.
jonathan: clearly, it doesn't matter. because next year, columbus state is hosting this damn convention!
georgia southwestern representative: hey! lest we not forget what we hosted in americus, last year...
jonathan: ...a tornado?

lucy: i think we should put a csu sticker on the lemon costume and walk around the conference.
steve graver: i don't think that would give students the right message about our department.
jonathan: yeah. come into our department and come out a fruit!

brenda may-ito: it's my birthday! sprinkle sprinkle sprinkle! you all have just been blessed by me!

becky becker: were you flirting with that bartender?
jonathan: ...no...?
becky becker: oh! AHH! he was flirting with ME!!! AHHH!!!

lucy: alpha psi omega tried doing superlatives before...and that completely bombed.
chris: -but that's because they were on PAPER PLATES!

chris: you 815!!!

gus: CONJUNCTION JUNCTION DINER! THAT'S INCREDIBLE!!!
jonathan: THAT'S RIGHT, CHEF-MEISTER!

[bounces through the schoolhouse diner door]
jonathan: PHEW! what a CRAAAAZY DAY!!! come on, everyone, say it with me!
the schoolhouse cast: WHAT A CRAAAAZY DAY!!!

an assortment of quotes from a performance of schoolhouse rock live! too:
"please, call me tommy!!!"
"i'm hookin' up words and PHARAAASES and CALAUUUUSES..."
"CONJUCTION JUNCTION DINER?!!! NO WAY!!!"

amber: what night are you seeing fuddy meers?
jonathan: i dunno. i wanted to go on opening night, but that night is the premiere of lost. so fuddy meers is a sacrifice that the island demanded.
amber: you can't do that!
jonathan: DON'T TELL ME WHAT I CAN'T DO!!!

brenda may-ito: it will be a lot easier coming out than going in...

jonathan: yay for jonathan juice!!!
brenda may-ito: yay! drink two cups a day!

michael: croverfierd?

jonathan: amelican buffaro!

jonathan: 4...8...15...
michael: 16...23..42...
chris: AHHH!!!!
kate musgrove: AHHHH! THE NUMBERS!!!!!!!!

an assortment of quotes from the ACTF adjudicator:
"kids horrify me. that's why i don't act for them anymore."
"i thought the cook was delicious!"
"as shitty and sewn-together as this plot is, the playwrights should know better. why does this show have two climaxes?"
"emily, are you a tap dancer? i didn't think so. by the third try, i think you got it."

brenda may-ito: alright, boys, show me your lollies!

emily: i'm not for the bush. i don't like to play with the bush!

[walking by a man dressed like a clown (in makeup and all)]
summer: happy new year, mister clown!
clown: I AM NOT A CLOWN!!! DO YOU HEAR ME CALLING YOU NAMES?!!!

[exiting the family reunion]
jonathan: bye friends!

[looks at a collection of photos on the refridgerator]
jonathan: holy crap! who is this hottie?
brenda: that's your cousin.
jonathan: oh.

allison: you'll like your present. i hope you will. if you don't want it, i do.
jonathan: was it expensive?

summer: where should we go?
jonathan: let's go to toys-r-us! maybe they have those big balls we can play with!

allison: what are you filled with? i ate a lot of tricuits.
erin: i'm filled with the joy of jesus. it's pretty good!
allison: perhaps you should try triscuits, those are pretty good.
erin: i agree, triscuits are pretty good, but NOTHING is as good as to have the joy of jesus (the lord).
allison: i dunno man, i really like triscuits.
erin: i DARE you to pray and ask jesus to come and fill you with all of his goodness. the joy of the lord is my strength!
allison: triscuits are made with 100% whole grain and are very filling, indeed.

michael: i have to poop. that means i have to think.

jonathan: [looks into a mirror and cries] "where are you, christmas?"
kimberly: the sad part is, cindy lou-who was like, six when she sang that song. i was like, eighteen when i had my christmas breakdown. i hate my life.

jonathan: i want pasta.
justin: i want summer's panties.
justin: i mean, yeah, pasta.

jonathan: hey! here's some nacho salsa! 'paco'! 'paco' sounds yummy!
chris: jonathan, that says 'pace'.

lena: that cute bartender is about to go into the air force.
jonathan: [looks at 50 year old bartender lady] okay.
lena: no! really! it's hot!
jonathan: isn't she a little old?
lena: AHHH!

jonathan: look! there's that fucking candy store. only it doesn't sell candy, it sells fucking flowers.
chris: lies!
jonathan: go sell your fucking flowers, you fucking fairies! fuck you!!!

party guy: does anyone have any pipe tobacco?
kimberly: [drunken banter] EW! PIPE TOBACCO! DISGUSTING!
party guy: i smoke the pipe. is that a problem?
kimberly: DIS-GUS-TING!!!
party guy: i like pipes-
kimberly: -DISGUSTING!!!!!!

caroline: i want it NOW!!!
[jonathan approaches]
caroline: NOOO! this is the FIFTH time tonight, jonathan has tried to rape me!!!

[AIM conversation]
jonathan: hey.
justin: hey! what's up!
jonathan: i have something to tell you. i went to dinner tonight with chris...and summer. together.
justin: DAMNIT YOU WHORE!

jonathan: justin! friends don't let friends make an ass of themselves while they sing christmas songs! thanks a lot, buddy! and by buddy, i mean asshole...and by asshole, i mean your mom's...and by your mom's, i mean your mom's buddy's asshole.

jonathan: which movie is the one where dakota fanning gets raped?
stephanie: you're thinking of 'man on fire' and she was kidnapped...not raped.
jonathan: oh. damn...

jonathan: ugh! i'm never going to eat again.
chris: you always say that when we eat here!
jonathan: oh.

nicholas: "I HAVEN'T BEEN LAID IN FOUR YEARS!!!"

jonathan: scott, who is singing this song on the radio?
scott: it's beyonce.
jonathan: oh. i knew it was one of those black girls.

jonathan: smile for the camera, megan!
megan: ahhh! i hate pictures!
jonathan: but this camera can actually make you look pretty!

justin: you're like so...innocent!
kimberly: yeah. i've never played with boy-parts.
jonathan: ...played with boy-parts? like...played board games with them?

[walking out of red robin with balloons, to-go boxes, drinks, etc]
jonathan: you've just had the red robin experience!
kimberly: ahh! i feel like a kid in a candy store...except the candy was hamburgers!!!

kimberly: i love you so much!
jonathan: i love you too! you'll be on my myspace top friends now!

jonathan: 'die another day' came out when i was like in 11th grade!
geoffrey douglas: dude. oh my god, i was graduating college when that came out!
jonathan: ...but i'm like...only six months younger than you...
geoffrey douglas: ...oh.

[searching around a dark movie theatre]
jonathan: token! token, is that you?!

samantha: it gave it a sense of...re-vital-ization?

ACTF adjudicator: hit me! beat me!

[explaining his makeup process to steve and the actf adjudicator]
eddie: you know, this was my first time doing old age makeup and i was like...whatever!

gwendolyn: "he's overcome. full of joy...mhmm...full of joy..."

kate musgrove: what is up with all the butts?! y'all are all about playing with each other's butt tonight! NO MORE BUTTS!

chris: i'd also like to buy this ice cream.
jonathan: i'll buy some too.
chinese lady: okay. you korean?
jonathan: yes.
chinese lady: oh! your ice cream is free.
chris: ......
jonathan: really?! that's great! thanks!
chinese lady: [to chris] one dollar-thirty, for you.

lindsay: was the berlin wall in russia?
gus: no lindsay, the berlin wall was in berlin...germany.

evan: go and put on your fruit coat.

kate musgrove: WOODY!!!

dureyea: ow! don't touch me, jim.
kate musgrove: are you okay?
dureyea: i REALLY have to pee.
kate musgrove: please go!
dureyea: well...it's not really a 'peeing situation'.

[while choreographing the finale for the visit]
dureyea: please make it clean this time, so i can insert myself.

kimberly: the only problem is...he's 5'4", but when you're lying down it doesn't matter.

jonathan: it's true. all gay people are terrorists.

amber: look at that waterfall over there!
michael: amber, that's a fountain.
jonathan: when we get home, we should go to waterfall city coffee.

amber: i went on a picnic and took [...] a pussy.

amber: i need some more room on the bed.
michael: amber, you're so high maintenance.
amber: i am not! i hate it when people say that. i am not high maintenance. now give me some more covers!

samantha: just because i have a penis, it doesn't make me a man!

jonathan: we found some stray kitties and named them 'lena' and 'thomas'.
lena: aww! are you going to keep them?
jonathan: NO! we don't want to have to get vaccinations. but michael just fed some kfc to thomas.
lena: he should share with lena.

barrett: vidalia!
jonathan: vidoolia!
summer: videelia!

[driving and carpooling down to georgia theatre conference]
jonathan: oh my god! look, a puppy!!! oh...wait...he's dead.

amber: i think something is wrong with me. i haven't taken a poop in two days.
summer: you should do something about that.
michael: yeah. go now and i'll turn up the tv.
jonathan: yeah. i'll turn on the water.
summer: yeah. we won't hear you at all.
jonathan: ...unless it's explosive.
amber: ...i...hate...you...all.

lena: some of justin smith's friends wanted my autograph after midsummer.
jonathan: lena, that was shawn champion.
lena: oh.

samantha: it's going to hurt like a whoosh!

becky becker: ...that was a joke. LAUGH AT ME!!!

curtrif: i was watching something the other day and i didn't realize yoda was a puppet.
becky becker: ...you thought he was real?

[during jeff foxworthy's keynote presentation]
tim mcgraw: what the hell is he talking about?!

lena: do you remember those days in high school, where everyone would stand in a circle and since you weren't a part of the cool kids, you'd try to make your way into the circle?
andy: no.
jonathan: no.
summer: lena, we WERE those cool kids.

allison: jonathan, it's your birthday! why don't you want to do what i want?!

lena: this tree looks like cabbage.

krystine: a bird just shat on my arm!

heather: who is twelve years old and still needs a babysitter?! AND HAS WINNIE THE POOH BEDSHEETS!

samantha: what is your problem?! why are you so mad at me?
dureyea: shut up! you aren't meryl streep, samantha! YOU AREN'T MERYL STREEP!

[recently discovered]
drunken text message from jonathan to lena: "your a masterpice of epic promortioms"

[looking at everyone's provocative positions in the finale]
haley rice: what are you eating? AH! that's not a sausage!

[to dureyea]
kate musgrove: what about you? are you still playing mr. gay boy?

kate musgrove: what part of your body drives your character?
krista: i was thinking...my breasts?
kate musgrove: ...how about your nose.

haley rice: i don't want you to do that. it will look like a turd.

summer: 'look at him, driving in his new lincoln centennial.'

[in the midst of a theatre history lecture]
becky becker: MOON PIE!

[text message conversation]
doug: bitch.
jonathan: homo.

[becky trying to relate film to the early 1900's]
becky becker: have any of you seen seabiscuit?
michael: have any of you seen cinderella man?
gus: ...i've seen alien.

larry mcdonald: who's that guy that looks like barney rubble?
jonathan: larry, that's joe corbin!

becky becker: if you actually look at them...trees do some crazy things.

brenda may-ito: you have to stroke it! STROKE IT GENTLY!!!

kim garcia: oh, by the way, i put anthrax on your sewing machine today.

samantha: it's going to hurt like a whoosh!

[while jogging by another class in the gym]
jonathan: is this a special ed class?
random girl: fuck you!

becky becker: ethan...i'm going to hit you.

becky becker: I LOVE TREES!

becky becker: i know people who believe in ghosts. I'm terrified of ghosts. I don't know what I think of ghosts.

ignant girl: you, lesbian, get out of here!
jonathan: do i look like a woman?!

girl in class: i call my grandma 'betty'.
another girl in class: oh my god! i call my choo-choo bett-...nevermind.

[a question on becky becker's theatre history test]
question: what is wrong with this picture?
jonathan: all the people are black. and they are wearing nice clothing. and they look happy.

samantha: amber...you're not boring, you're just not interesting.

megan: it's like that clothing...sean jones.

[text message conversation]
jonathan: are you still at amber's?
jana: yep!
jonathan: yay! i'm coming now. and it feels good...
jonathan: ...to know that you're in town again.

jana: i like how there will be pictures of me on facebook with stuff all over my face!

[at the movie store]
samantha: i want to get 'knocked up' sooo bad!

ej: hi jonathan!
jonathan: hey...ej? is that you?
ej: yes, jonathan. you probably couldn't see me because you were squinting...
jonathan: no, you blended in with the sofa cushions.

[drunken banter]
samantha: amber, go start the firebolt! i want a firebolt in my mouth! VARBLES! start the varbles! i promise i'll do good. i won't varbles. I WANT VARBLES! FIREBOLT!

[looking at the BKLYN: the musical poster]
megan: what's biklyn?

[as brian elston sits in the sun]
tim mcgraw: brian, looking at you makes me hot!
everyone else: ...................

michael: he was born and raised in norweigian...norweig...norway...

gus: "those railway carriage tit-a-tits"
becky becker: it's "tête-à-têtes".
gus: "those railway carriage tittys-a-tittys..."
becky becker: it's .."tête-à-têtes"! it's not that hard.
gus: i know, i know! it's just so much funnier to say it that way!

[in theatre history class]
samantha: i heard about some woman who sat on stage, without pants on, and just talked about her hoo-hoo!

jana: it's 10:12pm, so in hong kong it's 10:12 in the morning.
lena: whoa!!! so it's like a 10 hour difference!

amber: we're going to church on sunday!
summer: that's nice. say hi to god for me.

kate musgrove: melissa manning looks like a peanuts character.

jonathan: you're going to rape me!
caldwell: you'd never be lucky enough, man.

caldwell: this boils my bubbles!

summer: fuck me.
samantha: "no. i'm sorry. i can't do that."
summer: nobody will ever love me!!!

rebecca mcgraw: help me pick my myspace picture! which one do you think is cooler? the one where i'm asleep on a log or the one where i'm chasing a psychedelic bubble?!

lena: in high school, there was a girl in my sister's class that had to go to the bathroom really bad-...
summer: wait! is this the tampon story?!
lena: yeah!
summer: this is MY story! this happened to ME!
lena: ...oh yeah!

amber: he is so talented. he is beautiful. he is absolutely perfect...except that he's gay.

samantha: amber...look at you, double-fisting it!

kate musgrove: jono, we are going to kick some theatre ass.

summer: look at this, kelsey! i got it after we did les mis!
kelsey: ...can you just tell me what it says. i don't feel like reading all of it.

samantha: you should come swimming some time.
ej: i don't have a swimming suit.
samantha: that's okay. i have a tarp you can use.

link: (sings) "...it's like getting my big break with laryngitis."
lena: oh my god! what did he just say?
jonathan: "it's like getting my big break with laryngitis."
lena: oh! i thought he said, "it's like getting my big break in vaginas!"

dureyea: when you talked to him on the phone, he said you were talking about me.
samantha: what? what did i say?
dureyea: i don't know. i think it was something about ky jelly...
samantha: what?! clean your jelly?! what the heck is that?!
dureyea: no! ky jelly!
samantha: oh.....ew! when did i ever say that?!!!

india: i did not cheat! i totally got this as a present, yesterday, for my birthday! i love disney scene-it, but i have no friends that will play it with me!

jana: jonathan, take a picture of my boobs!
jonathan: why?
jana: they're my BOOBS! you're obsessed with them! take a damn picture!

ethan: who the fuck drank my berry propel?!

lena: i went out to lunch today and i had a veterinarian salad.
jonathan: you mean vegetarian salad?
lena: oh yeah.

lena: look at that street! it's presidents doctor!
jonathan: lena...that says presidents drive.

caldwell: fuck lost. they killed off every black character. i'm mad. i'm writing them a letter! you, asians, are next!
jonathan: they'll never kill off sun and jin. people like watching us!

lena: hi. i'm lena. i go to college.
stranger: ...umm...good. college is good...?

jana: once i had to go to court and i knew two of the officers. then i felt really embarassed because of that video that i did.

caldwell: when life gives you a.i.d.s., just make lemon-aids!!!

lena: when you go to hong kong, will you be...hong-kongese?
jennfer: you mean chinese?
lena: oh.
jennifer: no. i'll still be an american!

nikki: great memories, needles to say!

steak-n-shake lady: how can i help you?
summer: yeah, may i have a cup of chili?
steak-n-shake lady: we all out.
summer: WELL SCREW YOU!

summer: mmm. vanilla cupcakes! i wanna eat that in my mouth!
jonathan: as opposed to eating that in your elbow?

lena: i have to go to the bathroom.
jonathan: yay!
lena: ...thanks?

brittany: what are ovaries?
adam: they look like a smiley face.

[text message conversation]
kelley: did we make out?
jonathan: i think so.
kelley: that's hot.

jonathan: sorry i missed your call. what's up?
kelley: we were trying to find a cd player for rehearsal tonight. and by that, i mean, i want to hook up.

jonathan: happy mother's day mom!
kelley: where the hell are my flowers and rice!
jonathan: well, to tell you the truth...i ate the rice and made the flowers into a wreath hat. which i'm currently wearing. sorry mom.

jonathan: [burps] BLUE!
summer: YELLOW!
lena: RED!
kelley: WATER!

jana: MY PHONE IS BROKEN!
jonathan: what happened?
jana: I HAVE NO EFFING IDEA! T-MOBILE AND SAMSUNG CAN SUCK MY BIG BLACK DICK!

[driving up caldwell's driveway]
caldwell: this is my home!
jana: this is like a crack house!

revisa: jonathan, i need my daily dose of SARS.

nick: it's a fact, policemen always beat up black people.
revisa: what?!!!
jonathan: it's true. if i was a policeman, i'd beat up a black person.

[text message conversation]
jonathan: hey, are you going to karaoke tonight?
jana: we're already here. are you coming?
jonathan: yeah. i just got off.
jonathan: ...work, that is.

[giving two men their plates of food]
man at country club: wow. my slab of meat is bigger than your slab of meat!

jonathan: you're like...a ho!
jana: i AM NOT a ho! well...okay, i am.

jonathan: lena, you're one in a million. like a star in the sky...that's eating pizza!

jonathan: i'm leaving. jana, are you coming?
jana: yeah.
jonathan: that's great, but really...are you going to wendy's with me?

[while lena is giving birth to a cabbage patch doll]
lena: ow! this hurts so bad! i hate this! i hate sex!

caldwell: i use pictures of children to sweep up my trash.

kelley: i wish i was a goat. but only at night. like a human during the day, then i turn into a goat at night. wait! if i was a goat...i'd never get laid!

amber: i forgot i had a taco.
katie: yeah. i forgot i had a taco too. and it's HUGE!

amber: [speaking of her drink] want some of it? i'll shoot it in your mouth!

jonathan: i went to fuckrudders this afternoon. wait, i meant...

drunken text message from jonathan to summer: "my milkshake brinks all da boyr to the yar"

jana: did she tell you her dream about ethan and his penis?
jonathan: yeah. i wish i had those types of dreams......i mean.....

jonathan: what did you think of spiderman 3?
jeff: eh. you'll have to check it out for yourself...
jana: i wanna see them kissing on that spiderweb again! i wish a guy would kiss me on a web!
jonathan: heh! i'll let you kiss me on my sticky web!!!

zampach: i am having hot flashes.
stiggers: you females and your hot flashes. i'm glad i have a penis!
zampach: well, you'd be mad too if you had stuff coming out of it!

kim garcia: if they don't fit, i don't give a shit.

jana: [stretching] i'm so stiff today.
jonathan [not stretching] me too.

jonathan: oh my god! i haven't seen you in forever!!!
brittany: i know, right?!!! come give me a hug!
jonathan: ...wait. it's only monday.
brittany: ...oh yeah.

tim murray: come have some cookie cake!
jonathan: wow. thanks tim. did jana bake it? she can make some amazing cookies!
lance: YEAH SHE CAN!

samantha hughes: you would make a pretty girl.
jonathan: what?! are you kidding me?! i would look like a monkey!
leshae: yeah, i think i've seen pictures of you as a girl too.
jonathan: what?!!! where?!!!

samantha may: are you going to take a shower now?
jana: yeah, you can come with me if you want.
jonathan: ....umm....
kelley: can i come too?

jonathan: sooo...can i tell you two something? well, last night, i had the most realistic dream i've had in a long time. well, actually...yeah, it was definitely a nightmare. but it was so real. i was running from both of you in this house or building...i don't exactly know where it was, but it had a bunch of cardboard boxes. and i ran into this room and hid in a box. but then you found me and i just started stabbing you. i was so...terrified. i just kept stabbing you and you had these...awful...awful...looks on your faces. it was seriously the most strange, and very sad dream i've had in a while.
kim garcia & steve graver: ......................................................

tim murray: i want to get omar in the closet. and then i want to get lance under the bed.

brenda may-ito: let's start at the beginning of the dance.
kelley: brenda, i don't know where to come in.
jonathan: psh. i'll show you where to come in...

stiggers: boo donnie!!!

jonathan: wanna blow-pop?
jana: sure!
jonathan: okay, for real, do you want a sucker? they're in the kitchen.

[stephanie pulls down jana's pants in the hallway]
stephanie: sorry jana. i don't know what got into me.

kristen: fuck me with a zucchini!

jonathan: hey, let's go to blockbuster! i have a large due due.
samantha: what?! that's nasty!!!

ginny: kim, jonathan's making fun of me! tell him to stop!
kim garcia: that's nice, ginny. stop whining.

jonathan: (to sam) i totally have the LOST game on my phone now!
brenda may-ito: the lost WHAT?
jonathan: game. it's the video game. i downloaded it.
brenda may-ito: oh, i thought you said the LOST Gays. like the big revelation for the show is that all the characters are gay.

larry mcdonald: jonathan, is your mouth blue?
jonathan: (sticking out tongue) what?! i don't think so, but it could be.
larry mcdonald: oh nevermind. your tongue looked blue for a second there.
jonathan: oh.
(awkward silence)

omar: "of all my professional capcity!"
michael & sam: CAPCITY?!

michael whitten: WHAT THE HELL?!!!

omar: scheizza minelli!!!

jonathan: can i get tickets for my parents?
jana: sure. how old are your parents?
jonathan: they're in their fifties.
jana: oh ok, then they'll have to get regularly priced tickets.
jonathan: i mean...they're...under 16.
jana: WAH?! you could have just said they're over 60!!!

jonathan: (biting into a creme puff) oh my god! this is crazy! i bit into it and it just exploded in my mouth!
jana: that's what she said.

ACTF adjudicator: (looking at oberon) thesius was very focused. wonderful. he had great diction and breathing.
everyone else: (pointing to brandon) the actor who was thesius is over there...
ACTF adjudicator: oh, i meant oberon. but...thesius was good too. but YOU, oberon...

jonathan: jana, my performances are dedicated to your drunk ass!

tim mcgraw: so what are these so-called 'fat kid desks'?
chris: they're for the bigger kid who can't conform to the skinny people desks that this department has.
tim: well, fine. just sit in the back of the room. there's even a table for you to sit on, back there.
chris: OH MY GOD! I'M NOT A WHALE!!!

chinese lady: [with ridiculous asian accent] are your parents korean too?
jonathan: no. they're american. i'm adopted.
chinese lady: so, they're white.
jonathan: ...yeah...they're american...
chinese: did you ever know your birth parents?
jonathan: no.
chinese lady: maybe you were a test tube baby. all that technology they have now, it's possible.
jonathan: .............................................

caldwell: can you teach me any words in chinese?
chinese lady: ..[with rediculous asian accent] werr, you have to rearn thearfabetfirrst.
caldwell: what? learn the art of the forest? what does that mean? i don't know how to do that!
chinese lady: no. you have to learn the alphabet first.
caldwell: OH!