12/29/2009

[text message conversation]
Samantha: Hey
Jana on Jono's phone: BOOBIES!
Samantha: Bahahaha! What are you doing?
Jana on Jono's phone: Drawing nude photos of myself.
Samantha: That's not weird at all...
Jana on Jono's phone: Nope. I'm hot.
Samantha: Haha! You're crazy!
Jana on Jono's phone: You're drunk!
Samantha: You are!
Jana on Jono's phone: This is actually Jana. Surprise!
Samantha: Haha! I knew something was up! Jono doesn't usually mention boobies til the 3rd or 4th text!

[drunken banter]
Emily: Oh! Let's dance with those people!
Jono: Ewww! No! Not THEIR kind!
Emily: [gasps] Do you not like black people?
Jono: No, I do! Sometimes, I just want to be a wannabe racist.

Blockbuster Guy: You actually just won 12 free movie rentals.
Jono: REALLY?! Can I rent them all now?
Blockbuster Guy: I would suggest that you do, because this offer expires on December 31st.
[30 minutes later]
Jono: Do you have any more of 500 Days of Summer or Something, Something, Something, Dark Side?
Another Customer: Yeah, I was looking for 500 Days of Summer too.
Blockbuster Guy: We have one copy left. Would you like this to be a part of your 12 rentals?
Jono: Sure.
Another Customer: Are you sure you don't have any more back there?
Blockbuster Guy: Nope, sorry, that's our only one...
[awkward silence]
Jono: [to other customer] Maaan, with all these movies, I hope I have time to actually watch this.

Jono: So, with these 12 rentals, can I rent 12 movies of the same movie?
Blockbuster Guy: ...sure, I guess. Why would you want to do that?
Jono: I noticed that you only have 12 copies of Taking Woodstock on the shelf...
Blockbuster Guy: ..............................
Jono: I'm not "that guy", but what if I was?!
Blockbuster Guy: Then we would reserve the right to tell customers that "some Asian ass rented ALL of our copies."

12/14/2009

Karissa: We're going to be superheroes.
Leslie: Really?
Jono: Yes. We're going to quit our jobs and become the vigilante crime-stoppers of Atlanta. We'll start with Clayton County.
Leslie: Whoa!
Jono: But you know how Batman and Spiderman just tie up their enemies and leave them for the police?
Leslie: Yeah.
Jono: Well, we won't do that. We'll release them back into society. But before we let them go, we'll inject them with the HIV virus.
Leslie: .........................
Jono: That will teach them to get their act together, knowing that their life is counting down...
Leslie: But what if they take the other approach and choose a destructive path?
Jono: What do you mean?
Leslie: Like...if they knew they were going to die, they could choose to make other people's lives miserable too.
Jono: Oh yeah. If that were the case, we'd shoot them up with HIV and then amputate both of their legs. They'd be forced to get their lives together or just kill themselves.

12/13/2009

Samantha: Did you know Brenda got her baby?
Jono: WHAT?! That's so exciting! Awww, yay Brenda!
Samantha: I know. She has pictures up in her office.
Jono: She's been wanting to adopt her baby from Japan for like 5 years! I'm so glad it happened!
Samantha: Yeah. It's a girl.
Jono: Oh my Gahhhh! A baby girl?!!!
Samantha: But she adopted it from Africa.
Jono: ...............what?
Samantha: Yeah, from Kenya actually. I think something fell through with the Japan one.
Jono: ...............umm....really? .....well, good....for her...yeah, yay.
Samantha: JUST KIDDING! Her baby is Japanese!
Jono: WHAT?! Oh thank God!

Jono: What do you want for Christmas because I'm obviously getting everything from Bath & Body Works.
Allison: I'll have anything but bubble baths!
Jono: What? Why? I love their bubble baths.
Allison: Yeah, because you're a guy. But there's some sort of chemical or something in bubble bath solutions that...
Jono: ...yeah...
Allison: ...rot out women's vaginas.
Jono: WHAT?!

[After telling Elise the above conversation]
Elise: WHAT?! How does she know that?
Jono: I don't know. I think she read it somewhere...
Elise: But what about guys?
Jono: What about them?
Elise: They have...another hole...too...
Jono: Yeah, but that's a butt! Everyone has those.
Elise: Noooo! They have ANOTHER hole!
Jono: Oh yeah! Well, it might be a matter of what goes in and what comes out. For guys, things only go out through that place. For girls, well...everything goes in...

Jono: I'm at New Moon. I want to die.
Zack: Ew, I'm sorry. At least you'll see some jailbait werewolves.

12/4/2009

Jono: Oh God!
Jana: What?!
Jono: I'm about to ask a really stupid question...
Jana: Okay...?
Jono: My mind went blank...what is Obama's first name?
Jana: Barack.
Jono: THAT'S RIGHT! I knew it was something Pakistani and September eleventhy!

Jono: I think...
Michael: .....
Jono: ...I'm going to get rid of FarmVille tomorrow.
Michael: Do it!
Jono: I feel like I'm losing a child.
Michael: Meh.
Jono: I just need to see my last batch of crops grow...
Michael: ???
Jono: I need to know that they have a future.

12/3/2009

[Facebook chat with Lena]
Jono: Happy birthday to you!
Jono: Happy birthday to you!
Jono: Happy birthday, dear Lena...
Jono: ( . )( . )
Lena: BOOBIES!!!
Jono: ...and many more!!!

12/1/2009

[Watching So You Think You Can Dance]
Announcer: One of you gentlemen will be going home. Who will it be?
Jono: I bet it's going to be the guy in the blue.
Elise: Yeah, he's a choad!
Jono: WHAT?! What is that?
Elise: Ummm...I don't know. I just picked that up somewhere.
Jono: ???
Elise: Look it up on Google.
[Jono types choad into Urban Dictionary]
Definition: Usually penis, penis wider than it is long, or the area between the penis and anus.

12/1/2009

Tweet from Adam Rucker: Crazy that when typing the word "is" into Google, the first suggestion that pops up is: "is Lady Gaga a man?"

Angela: I would like to make a toast...
Evelyn: You're drunk!
Angela: I know! But I want to toast. Even though I'm on my per-...
[awkward silence]
Angela: Oh! Jono, I don't want to say it!
Jono: I don't care. I know what you were about to say...
Angela: Okay! Even though I am on my period and I've lost a lot of blood today...
Jono: ........................
Angela: ...this beer will help my blood keep circulating! CHEERS!
[awkward silence. no one moves.]
Angela: Damnit!

Jono: Hey!
Emily: Hey! How are you?
Jono: I'm great. But you make me...
Emily: .......
Jono: You make me want to LA LA!!!