12/14/2009

Karissa: We're going to be superheroes.
Leslie: Really?
Jono: Yes. We're going to quit our jobs and become the vigilante crime-stoppers of Atlanta. We'll start with Clayton County.
Leslie: Whoa!
Jono: But you know how Batman and Spiderman just tie up their enemies and leave them for the police?
Leslie: Yeah.
Jono: Well, we won't do that. We'll release them back into society. But before we let them go, we'll inject them with the HIV virus.
Leslie: .........................
Jono: That will teach them to get their act together, knowing that their life is counting down...
Leslie: But what if they take the other approach and choose a destructive path?
Jono: What do you mean?
Leslie: Like...if they knew they were going to die, they could choose to make other people's lives miserable too.
Jono: Oh yeah. If that were the case, we'd shoot them up with HIV and then amputate both of their legs. They'd be forced to get their lives together or just kill themselves.

12/13/2009

Samantha: Did you know Brenda got her baby?
Jono: WHAT?! That's so exciting! Awww, yay Brenda!
Samantha: I know. She has pictures up in her office.
Jono: She's been wanting to adopt her baby from Japan for like 5 years! I'm so glad it happened!
Samantha: Yeah. It's a girl.
Jono: Oh my Gahhhh! A baby girl?!!!
Samantha: But she adopted it from Africa.
Jono: ...............what?
Samantha: Yeah, from Kenya actually. I think something fell through with the Japan one.
Jono: ...............umm....really? .....well, good....for her...yeah, yay.
Samantha: JUST KIDDING! Her baby is Japanese!
Jono: WHAT?! Oh thank God!

Jono: What do you want for Christmas because I'm obviously getting everything from Bath & Body Works.
Allison: I'll have anything but bubble baths!
Jono: What? Why? I love their bubble baths.
Allison: Yeah, because you're a guy. But there's some sort of chemical or something in bubble bath solutions that...
Jono: ...yeah...
Allison: ...rot out women's vaginas.
Jono: WHAT?!

[After telling Elise the above conversation]
Elise: WHAT?! How does she know that?
Jono: I don't know. I think she read it somewhere...
Elise: But what about guys?
Jono: What about them?
Elise: They have...another hole...too...
Jono: Yeah, but that's a butt! Everyone has those.
Elise: Noooo! They have ANOTHER hole!
Jono: Oh yeah! Well, it might be a matter of what goes in and what comes out. For guys, things only go out through that place. For girls, well...everything goes in...

Jono: I'm at New Moon. I want to die.
Zack: Ew, I'm sorry. At least you'll see some jailbait werewolves.

12/4/2009

Jono: Oh God!
Jana: What?!
Jono: I'm about to ask a really stupid question...
Jana: Okay...?
Jono: My mind went blank...what is Obama's first name?
Jana: Barack.
Jono: THAT'S RIGHT! I knew it was something Pakistani and September eleventhy!

Jono: I think...
Michael: .....
Jono: ...I'm going to get rid of FarmVille tomorrow.
Michael: Do it!
Jono: I feel like I'm losing a child.
Michael: Meh.
Jono: I just need to see my last batch of crops grow...
Michael: ???
Jono: I need to know that they have a future.

12/3/2009

[Facebook chat with Lena]
Jono: Happy birthday to you!
Jono: Happy birthday to you!
Jono: Happy birthday, dear Lena...
Jono: ( . )( . )
Lena: BOOBIES!!!
Jono: ...and many more!!!

12/1/2009

[Watching So You Think You Can Dance]
Announcer: One of you gentlemen will be going home. Who will it be?
Jono: I bet it's going to be the guy in the blue.
Elise: Yeah, he's a choad!
Jono: WHAT?! What is that?
Elise: Ummm...I don't know. I just picked that up somewhere.
Jono: ???
Elise: Look it up on Google.
[Jono types choad into Urban Dictionary]
Definition: Usually penis, penis wider than it is long, or the area between the penis and anus.

12/1/2009

Tweet from Adam Rucker: Crazy that when typing the word "is" into Google, the first suggestion that pops up is: "is Lady Gaga a man?"

Angela: I would like to make a toast...
Evelyn: You're drunk!
Angela: I know! But I want to toast. Even though I'm on my per-...
[awkward silence]
Angela: Oh! Jono, I don't want to say it!
Jono: I don't care. I know what you were about to say...
Angela: Okay! Even though I am on my period and I've lost a lot of blood today...
Jono: ........................
Angela: ...this beer will help my blood keep circulating! CHEERS!
[awkward silence. no one moves.]
Angela: Damnit!

Jono: Hey!
Emily: Hey! How are you?
Jono: I'm great. But you make me...
Emily: .......
Jono: You make me want to LA LA!!!

11/29/2009

Ashley: Are you on facebook?
Jono: I am!
Ashley: We should be pals! We'll be the best of buddies!
Jono: Okay! Yay! You'll be my first best buddy!
Ashley: Mine too!
Jono: Because I have no friends!
Ashley: Me either!
Jono: So when I friend you on facebook, pay no attention to the 1,084 other friends I have.
Ashley: Okay!...wait, what?!

Jono: I can't believe you, me, and Lena will be together for New Years!
Michael: It'll be amazing! Let's do something absolutely wild, crazy, and potentially something that we might regret.
Jono: Hell yeah! No threesomes though. I love you and Lena, but...
Michael: Alright. But you'll understand if I kick you out of the room, right?
Jono: NO! If there's ANY sex at all, I'm getting in on some of the action. Sucks for you, bro.
Michael: Alrighty.
Jono: Yup.
Michael: The most awkward threesome EVER!
Jono: Oh my God! I think we would all be crying.

Jono: After eight months, we're FINALLY drinking together again.
Michael: Hell yeah we are.
Jono: Some things never change.
Michael: Thank God! I miss this! What are you drinking?
Jono: JD and coke!
Michael: Yum!
Jono: Well...JD and diet coke.
Michael: There's nothing wrong with...wait, diet coke?
Jono: It's all I got. I know...it tastes like ass.
[awkward silence]
Jono: Not that I know what ass tastes like...
Michael: Sure.
Jono: ...oh wait. I do...
Michael: ...I don't either...
Jono: ...I mean, I don't eitherrr...
Michael: ?????
[awkward silence]
Jono: Beh heh!

Jono: How much longer are you staying in Lexington?
Michael: Til May. I'm here for SETC.
Jono: What does that mean?
Michael: I'll be in town for the conference.
Jono: OH! For a second, I thought you meant that you were representing your company at SETC. I was like...so if I were to audition, would I be auditioning for you? Awesome!
Michael: I would totally give you a callback!
Jono: Thanks! I'd be that guy that walks on stage and announces, "Jono Davis. Number 81. HI MIKEY!..."
Michael: And I'd be like, "Dude, What the fuck's goin' on? Drinks later?"
Jono: Then I'd say, "How about now?! Fuck you other companies! Anyone who wants to join, the more the merrier!"
Michael: Um, yes!
Jono: Then casting folks would hire us because we're balsy!
Michael: Everyone would leave too, because no one wants to sit through that.
Jono: True.
Michael: And they'd give us job offers over drinks. Between jaggerbombs.
Jono: Yep. And if not, I'd blow them in the bathroom.

Andrew: I have 12 hours of Christmas music on my iPod!!!
Jono: Oh my God! That's amazing! That's like 3 days worth of music!

[Facebook chat conversation]
Jono: NOM NOM NOM!
Melissa: Hey Jono!
Jono: I just ate you.
Melissa: Oh.
[awkward silence]
Melissa: Well fuck!
Jono: You're in my tummy now.
Melissa: Oh my! Make sure to eat some more friends so I don't get lonely.