9/11/2010

Melissa: I have to work in the box office with Deb. Pray for me...

Jono: Oh God!

Melissa: I know. I'm TERRIFIED!

Jono: Don't be. Just snuggle with her and she purrs like a kitten. She likes it when you blow in her ear.

Melissa: I don't know if I could reach her...but I'll try.

Jono: Superman dat ho!

Melissa: BAHAHAHA! I am drunk and can't even handle that statement.

Jono: Deb. Naked With oil. And dripping wax...

Melissa: Nooooo! Stop it! I am crying!

Jono: I did Deb in the butt. Nomnomnom!

6/27/2010

[During Emily & Mac's wedding]
Kimberly: I think they're going to exchange vows now.
[Piano begins playing softly]
Jono: OH MY GOD!
Kimberly: What?
Jono: This is the song from The Silence of the Lambs, when Hannibal is eating that guy's face off!!!

Jono: I wish you were a boy.
Elise: .......................

The Mary Edition

[Elementary-age theatre class at an arts camp]
Jono: Hi! I would like to go around the circle and have everyone say their names and a really FUN fact about themselves. For starters, I'm Jono and I am allergic to pineapples!
Mary: I'm Mary and when my mom is mad at me and makes me go to time-out, I like to lick my armpits!
Class: Ewwwwwww!
Jono: ...Mary, honey, that something we should probably keep to ourselves.
Mary: ...but it tastes good!
Jono: ...that's gross...
Mary: Look!
[Mary proceeds to roll up her sleeve and lick her armpit]

Mary: I want to marry my dog!
Jono: Why?
Mary: Because it's the only thing that doesn't yell at me.

Mary: Mr. Jono! You have Disney Villain eyebrows!
Jono: What does that even mean, Mary?
Mary: If I had a sled, I could slide down your eyebrows because they're like a steep mountain!

Mary: Huggie!
Elise: Okay, give me a hug, Mary!
Mary: Yay!
[Mary hugs Elise]
Mary: Kiss?
Elise: No kisses, but you can blow me a kiss.
Mary: I want to kiss your boobie.
Elise: ............how about you give me a hug again...
Mary: Okay.
[Elise leans down for a hug, but Mary kisses Elise's boobie]
[Then she kisses it again]
[Then she kisses it for a third time]

Mary: I want to be a fireman!
Jono: Ooooh! Firemen are cool!
Mary: I want to be a fireman!
Jono: Yay!
Mary: Can I be a fireman in the play?
Jono: Maybe, Mary. We'll see.
Mary: I want to be a fireman!
Jono: Okay, Mary. I'll keep that in mind.
Mary: Can I be a fireman?
Jono: I think so, but if you ask me that again I'll say no.
[silence]
Mary: I want to be a anthropologist instead.
Jono: I thought you wanted to be a fireman...
Mary: No. I want to play with puppies and kitties.
[awkward silence]
Jono: Honey, you don't want to be a anthropologist. That's like the opposite of what you want to do.
Mary: But I want to play with puppies and kitties!
Jono: Mary, anthropologists don't play with puppies and kitties, they play with humans. They study behavior and everything that makes us who we are. Their job is to always be studying and learning!
[awkward silence]
Mary: I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

Mary: Ms. Dotson, I had a dream last night! I was dreaming that I was licking my leg because it was a lollipop. When I woke up, I really WAS licking my leg!
Elise: Ohhh! You're a silly goose.
Mary: It tasted GOOD!

Jono: For this exercise, I want you to show me, with your bodies, what a cow looks like...
[The children silently walk around like cows. Mary stands up and pulls on two imaginary protruding body parts]
Jono: MARY! What are you doing?!
Mary: It's my udders!

Jono For today's exercise, I want you to show me, with your bodies, what the color blue looks like...
[The children show things like OCEAN, SKY, SADNESS, etc. with their bodies]
Jono: Good! Now show me what the color yellow looks like, when personified...
[The children show things like SUN and HEAT. Mary squats.]
Jono: MARY! What are you doing now?!
Mary: I'm peeing!!!
[Mary proceeds to make a "pssssss" sound while squatting.]

5/21/2010

Jono: Yay dance callbacks!
Lena: Eh, dancing...
Jono: You should wear tap shoes the entire time!
Lena: Yes, that it a really good idea! But just tap shoes...no clothes
Jono: YES. You'll soooo get the lead in The Full Monty.
Lena: ...because of my penis!!!

Jono: Will you be my "date" to Katie and Patrick's wedding?
Kimberly: For the sake of all of our dead baby children, I think it would only be appropriate.
Jono: Yay! You better catch that bouquet!
Kimberly: Those bitches better MOVE!!!

5/18/2010

Jono: If anything, you could ask your parents for some extra cash. Surely, you could repay them over the summer.
Zack: Yeah. I hate asking them for money though. They are fixing my car...
Jono: You could buy a gun and take money from them at gunpoint!
Zack: Yes! But, see, I actually know where they hide their money. So, it might be easier to just steal it from them...
Jono: Awwwww!
Zack: WHAT?! You think holding my parents at gunpoint is BETTER?!!!

Jono: That's a lot of expenses. Ewww.
Mikey: Unless someone wants to be my suga mama! But then I would feel too guilty...
Jono: Awww.
Mikey: ...for a little bit.
Jono: Beh heh!
Mikey: BUT then...I'd repay in sexy time! Which is fair, right?
Jono: Be the typical "dude". After she pays for everything, ignore her and block her. Bahaha!
Mikey: Awww!
Jono: But yes, sexy time is plenty.
Mikey: Bahaha! I'm glad you agree.
Jono: Sex is the perfect bargaining chip. If she wants more, buy her a gourmet meal...via food stamps. So, technically, you pay for nothing...
Mikey: WIN!
Jono: ...but perhaps a condom.
Mikey: Nah, she'll buy that too.
Jono: BAHAHA!!!
Mikey: If she wants it bad enough...
Jono: Pull out a sandwich bag to use. Then, she'll HAVE to buy a condom for the sake of not wanting to use a sandwich bag.
Mikey: Or even better: a Lay's potato chip bag or a 3 Musketeers wrapper!
Jono: YES!
Mikey: Or just say we'll have to use a pine cone.

4/9/2010

[text message conversation]
Summer: Drunk rollerblding wreeeeee
Jono: Boobies?
Summer: I have tjem
Jono: You have ten boobies?
Summer: Yea
Jono: You're like a cow with udders!
Summer: MoO?
Jono: Poot.
Summer: Queef
Summer: QUEEF
Jono: Did you just queef yourself? I'm proud of you.
Summer: maybe :(
Jono: It's okay. You're not alone. Every girl does it.
Summer: Tatas
Jono: Ew. Those are gross.
Summer: Potatoes?
Jono: Yummy. Potato boobs...?
Summer: Pooo
Summer: o
Summer: p
Jono: WHAT?! You're not making any sense! Are you doing it? In the booty?
Summer: There's chips un my pocket
Jono: Eat them! Maybe they're Baked Lays!

Jana: Nothing gets me all fired up than some good gaseous stench.

Andrew: When we have kids, let's model them after LOST characters.
Jono: YES! I'll have Sun and Jin.
Andrew: I'll have Jack, Sawyer, Kate, and Locke.
Jono: I'm going to force Sun to always be in the garden and I'll take Jin fishing with me every weekend.
Andrew: I'll yell at Kate and make her run on a treadmill every minute of the day. I'll mold Jack to be a doctor and I'll throw little Locke out of a building window.
Jono: Awww. But what if he's not paralyzed by the fall?
Andrew: Then I'll tell him to get back up here and we'll do it again. Although, I think eight stories is a bit high for a 6 year old. Maybe I'll just push him out of a three story window.
Jono: Yay! We can be neighbors and, just like the show, when Jack comes over to play with Sun, she can fire back, "LEAVE ME ALONE. I DON'T CARE!"
Andrew: OH! I'll also raise Hurley. I'll make him continuously eat and eat. "Daddy, I'm not hungry anymore." "I don't care! You're not fat enough!"

4/4/2010

Jono: Are you going to church tomorrow for Easter Sunday?
Elise: I don't know...
[10 minutes later]
Jono: Stay up all night with me!
Elise: No!
Jono: Are you waking up early to go to church?
Elise: I don't know. Why do you want me to go to church so bad?
Jono: ...cause you still have a chance to get to heaven.

Elise: When will you update your Quotent Quotables?
Jono: I don't know. Nothing funny is happening in my life right now. My life is so tragic...
Elise: But your readers depend on your Quotent Quotables to survive. They make us laugh.
Jono: But there's no laughter in my life...
Elise: Well, we depend on your crappy life to make us laugh!!!

Caldwell: What's up!
Jono: Hey man! Nothing much. How are you?
Caldwell: Feet.
Jono: WHAT?!
Caldwell: Sorry. That was the first thing that came to mind.